What I Couldn’t Bring Myself to Say

There are many times throughout the day when it seems as though I simply cannot bite my tongue. The words from my mouth get me into trouble. I find myself needing to apologize because I spoke without thinking – I spoke recklessly. The, there are those times where conversations with others have no easy rhythm, because I am constantly interrupting, trying to get my word in – because what I have to say is so important. There are times when the conversation has an easy flow, a perfect exchange of ideas, perfect groove – you speak, I speak, etc… We have all experienced all of these scenarios, probably all in one day. Probably all with the same person – not necessarily with the same person in the same day… Unless, maybe you live together, or are in an intimate relationship.

Then, there are those times when our hearts have words that our tongues cannot utter. Those moments don’t happen often to me. My mind, or heart, whatever you want to call it, may not always win over my mouth or flesh, however, when it does… I guess you can say I am left speechless. Now this phenomenon rarely occurs to me. Me, speechless? Most wouldn’t believe that could happen if they read this… But it does… Sometimes.

When Brian left me this final time, he was still staying at a hotel(?) at this point, he said to me: You didn’t fight hard enough for me to stay <pause> You drove me away! <pause> In hindsight, sure, I see this was his was of asking for me to ask him to come home, and I did not. I didn’t accept the blame he placed on me. My heart wanted to say: You left me for the how many-eth time? I told you when we reconciled it would be the last. This is not my fault, I did nothing to you! You told all these lies on me! However, I simply said NOTHING. He hung up on me. I replay that in my head sometimes… Not with regret. Just with the thought “what held my tongue at that moment, when it so carelessly, and unruly spoke in the past – especially when he goaded me like that?”

Then, I think of the moments when I am filled with so many emotions, as I speak to God, that even past the tongues, past the tears, there is the guttural wail from the depths of my soul it seems. Once you’ve passed all the other stuff – I suppose you have entered into the inner court, and being on your knees just isn’t low enough – no, you have to be on your face! When is the last time that has happened?

Let’s talk about love. Have you ever liked somebody – even before you admitted to yourself that you liked them – they just make you stupid? Like not really “stupid,” but all the thoughts momentarily go out of your head when you are with them? Is that just me? The thoughts come back! It’s just for a moment, you go BLANK! That’s the awkward. Scared of what’s going to come out of your mouth when you open it… You were supposed to say, “Hey, are you still able to teach next week?” Instead you say (once you have words):

It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside

I’m not one of those, who can easily hide,

I don’t have much money, But boy if I did

I’d buy a big house where we both could live.

If I was a sculptor, but then again no,

Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show

I know its not much, but it’s the best I can do

My gift is my song and this one’s for you

And you can tell everybody that this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it’s done,

I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t mind

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you’re in the world

I sat on the roof and I kicked off the moss

Well some of these verses, well they’ve got me quite cross

But the sun’s been kind while I wrote this song,

It’s for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do

You see I’ve forgotten, if they’re green or they’re blue

Anyway the thing is, what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

And you can tell everbody that this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it’s done

I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world

Bit of an exaggeration? Not on Moulin Rouge level, but you get my point… I never break out in song – that’s a lie. Sorry.

In all honesty, right now, I have a feeling, yet no words for those feelings. Not sure how to sort them out, or if I am even supposed to sort them out. Being the therapist type, I have to – I am compelled to sort them out! And, being the believer type, I must let go, and trust God. So, difficult when your spirit and flesh are constantly at war. Beyond that, my heart and my mind are constantly at war. I cannot turn either off. I can’t stop thinking, and I can’t stop feeling. So, trusting God has a plan, and trusting His timing. I know I’m not ready. I guess this is preparation? Maybe preparation even for something, or someone, I am not even expecting?

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