Smiling to Myself

Lately, I have caught myself smiling to myself, at the most awkward moments. I’m talking, ear-to-ear, full mouth, both rows of teeth showing, cheesy grin, holding my cheeks in both of my hands smile!

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1) How strange that the mere thought of someone can make you smile like a fool. The memory of a conversation you had with someone can make you smile, or send you into a fit of giggles! You only realize it when you are sitting at a traffic light that has turned green, and you are grinning, and holdings your cheeks, lost in your world… Your daughter has to alert you, “Um, Mommy, the light is green.” Oops! All of the cars have already taken off! And, your daughter is staring at you quizzically. Offer no explanations!

 

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2) Wow! Didn’t expect to see you here, at this time. Totally threw me off my game. Where did this smile come from? This laugh? I am actually happy to see you… It has been so long – it seems? Yeah, we have our Facebook Messenger conversations, but, wow, seeing you… This effect was unexpected! I sat in my car smiling to myself, remembering our conversation the day before. You made me laugh so hard. In your own awkward way, you are quite engaging. Haha, maybe that’s the reason for the smile. Maybe that’s the draw there? You are a funny one.

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1 & 2) I speak with 2 more than I speak with 1. My day is made with both. I tend to spend more time laughing with 2 than 1, however it could be setting. I don’t speak with either often, but when I do, my day is most definitely made – no matter how long or short the conversation. With 2, I didn’t even realize it, until sitting in my car, seeing him unexpectedly, and bubbling with excitement. Even a couple days before that when I saw him… Did my heart skip a beat? Did I have to remind myself to breathe? Looking back, hasn’t he always had that effect on me? Why am I only now realizing what it is? Age. Why does age matter to me? Well, that among other things… I have my list… It is time to revisit said list… I made that list when I was still hurting. In my mind, I don’t think it will be 1 or 2… But knowing that I am able to feel again… is GREAT! 

 

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Sometimes, I feel like such an airhead. This photo, above, rings true for #1… I lose my vocabulary, I forget everything that I was going to say, and my mouth goes completely dry. My heart races, I need my coping skills – need to remind myself to breathe! It’s not intimidation… I can’t even explain what it is… I remember when I was dating Chris – in the beginning, I used to write down things to talk about, because I would blank out. I would go do research on cars so I had something to talk about with him. Had to impress the boy I liked… He was my heart and I knew I loved him before I met him…

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Then, #2… Do I ever not laugh in his presence? He is just so funny! He is awkwardly cute in a way that I doubt he even realizes. That makes him all the more attractive and funny! He’s also supportive. I greatly enjoy his sense of humor. (Gosh, I hope he’s not gay!) Nah, I don’t think I’ve ever made that mistake… What I enjoy most about him – he is so funny! He is cute! How did I not notice it before? The other day, when I saw him, and my heart skipped a beat! I sat in my car smiling! It was a harsh realization for me… I was like, Wait, whaaaaa? Him? Then, it was like, Of course! Him. Why not him?

 

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I can never be so cool as to just say, “Oh, hey, what’s up?” And I am every bit the gal to say something stupid, because yeah, we may be only friends, with me and my one-sided love affair, but awkward word vomiting it my speciality.

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I wouldn’t say anything that crazy.. I don’t think.. Haha! Love is a dangerous thing! Not that I would claim to be in love with anyone… It for sure is not love!

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You know… I have loved and lost twice. My first love, I never imagined it would end. Circumstances of life, mistakes, just stuff got in the way, and our relationship – marriage, friendship, life together – ended. I never thought we’d end. In the words of Taylor Swift: I never thought we’d have our last kiss, never imagined we’d end like this.

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Then, there was hubby 2. We all knew it was destined to end. We had so many memories in the few years that we had together. Some good, some bad. I had hoped for the best, but knew that we would never last. I loved him, still not enough – not as much as I had loved the first. I still loved the first. Now, I have lost the both of them.

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So, I am waiting.. It will likely not be the 1 or 2 that I mentioned above. Gosh, idk if I mentioned CG invited me over for a thing at his home last Saturday night… He will always have a place in my heart. *Sigh* What could have been…

 

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