I had a dream about my ex… Funny enough, I could not remember the entire thing. I tried all day, from the time I woke up this morning, driving to work, sitting in my office, even now… It wasn’t a bad dream. Not a good one either. I don’t think? I don’t think there was any meaning behind the dream. He was just there.
Insert work… I arrive. I knew my (buddy, coworker, peer, crush) was waiting for me. Gosh, how he makes me laugh! Makes me forget everything! At first, because I knew what I needed to speak with him about – work related, I commanded the situation – the room, all distracted like. Then, I looked at him, like, really looked at him. And all bets were off. Oh, hello awkward Jessy! Welcome back! I forgot how to use my words. I forgot how to speak. My mouth went dry. Yet, conversation was easy? Thankfully, he is just as awkward as I… He didn’t notice… Or maybe he did? Does it matter? No… Not really. My stomach did most of the talking… And did we really talk about my poo? We did… I was thoroughly embarrassed… He noticed… How gracious of him to try to make me feel better? Hah! If this black girl could turn red… Let me tell ya!
If only it worked thisway… Wouldn’t life be super easy and perfect?!
I can’t say that I’m“in love” but I could fall in love? How romantic of Shakespeare to write such aa beautiful statement… “and you smiled because you knew.”
Fast-forward in the day, my mind left my crush(?) and was back on my ex… I had my personal laptop, for… reasons… and for whatever reason, perused old text messages between us… My goodness the flood of emotions that I felt when I read through them… When I saw pictures exchanged, when I saw myself – my old self, pleading continually for love, forgiveness, attention, a chance… And why? Why was I never enough? Why was I never good enough? I also saw the pictures of the abuse that I sustained at his hands. That I deserved for one reason or another. Well, you shouldn’t have said this or that. Then me, But I never hit you! It didn’t matter. He thought I deserved it. Therefore, I got what I deserved. Not worthy of an apology.
Looking back, I can now see, I now know, that you were never mine. Marriage or not, you were never mine. That was were I was wrong. I believed that you were mine. I was so wrong. You broke my heart as you left me time and again. Leaving was something you did exceptionally well. Being mine was something that was something that never happened. Secrets and lies… You handed me that…
I fell for this. I mistook it for love. I thought it would be forever. I was sorely wrong. Not sure if my heart hurts more, or pride? Or, a sad combination. To be treated like a conquest, then tossed aside… Not only tossed aside, but abused – verbally, physically, and emotionally. How is a girl ever supposed to recover? You give your heart – you give your all… And to be mistreated? I don’t understand.
It’s why I hide away in my cave. I block the world out. I can’t let them in – I won’t. Never let anyone get to close. Just as I think life is going fine, and I am over him, and not thinking of him – he pops up in a dream. How long will he control me? When will I finally be free? Just that one dream – and I feel as though I am set back so many steps.
A puppet on a string, wrapped up in his web of lies, full of empty hopes and dreams.