Just One…

I taught the “Littles” Sunday School Class week.  The lesson was on “Grace & Mercy.”  The theme of the Unit… “Grace – A Gift Undeserved.”  “Mercy – Not Getting in Trouble for Something that We Did, When We Should.”

Grace (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

Mercy (especially of a journey or mission) performed out of a desire to relieve suffering; motivated by compassion.

My home has been in chaos since last Saturday night.  Then, maybe because I noticed that my home is in disarray, I can’t seem to handle everything that is unstable in my life.  Maybe it’s the PTSD, I lack resilience.  I know that I do…  Is this where I attack #40 on my bucket list, and Manage my PTSD, in hopes that I can find a way to pull everything else together?

My job began layoffs.  Direct care staff (RCs – Residential Counselors) and Nurses.  For now they are holding onto the Supervisory Team, and Clinicians.  However, I notice that everyone is taking all this PTO…  What’s that about?  MultiCare came through, talking about knocking walls down in our school building?  Where will our youth attend school? I am so confused about what is really going on.  The lack of transparency, the lies.  They gave everyone, essentially a two week notice.  No severance.  Nothing.  Just – Bye. We hope to bring you back some time in December, maybe?  If you can live off unemployment, and don’t find a job. 

Then, I am this “Director of Kids in Motion Ministry” and “Director of Fundraising for WTL ‘Who’s That Lady?’ I Am That Lady! Ministry.”  Now, bite sizes, Jess – take a deep breath.  (In through your nose – one, two, three, four five.  Out through your mouth slowly – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.)  Okay, I hope you took that breath with me, we “co-regulated”, thanks 🙂

Okay, I’ll start with WTL…  I’m DOF…  Right?  It is a jumbled mess!  Things are so messed up…  And, okay story of almost losing your marriage…  I lost mine!  Guess what, not only have I lost two marriages, but the second marriage, I lost twice!  I had to go through the divorce process TWICE!  Shame me if you want, call me stupid, but it was MY MARRIAGE!!!  I’m sorry you almost lost your marriage – truly I am…  I wouldn’t wish that on my worse enemy, but come on!!  I need you to help me out, this fundraising piece is crumbling.  Let me stop right there…

Moving on…  KIMM – a beast that always leaves me wondering: What have I gotten myself into?  A beast that leaves me wanting to just GIVE UP!  I seriously might…  I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.  I am so discouraged.  I have done my best to build a team; To build unity; To have us all on one mind and one accord.  It has been the vision – not MINE, but the church’s – to have everyone follow the curriculum, to teach the children and young people.  Yes, my ultimate desire is to see young people and children saved.  Yes, it is my ultimate desire to help cultivate the young people and little’s personal relationship’s with Christ by not only instilling biblical truths (assisted via the curriculum), but also, answering those tough questions that they have, building rapport with them.  How do you do that?  Oh, I’ll tell you!  By being someone they can trust, by knowing who I am, by having integrity, by being confident, empathetic, transparent, being able to relate, firmly rooted in my faith yet flexible enough to see the challenges they face daily, why they behave a certain way.  This is an age of hopelessness.  They need to know that when they are about to give up, they can turn to Jesus – and can call US – anytime!  We will lead them down that path of righteousness.

I AM SO DISCOURAGED!  It all sounds good, right?  This is my heart!  And no one gets it!  They won’t teach the curriculum.  Not the way that gets through to the kids.  No one even wants to try!  When I set the expectation, it is not followed.  I am very near to shutting it down again.  Until the standard is met…  I need to pray about it…  Fast…  I have asked for about half a year for an assistant.  I have asked for the volunteers to show up at 9am on the Sundays they will serve.  I have asked for the teachers of the “Littles” to sign the students in on their Sundays to teach…  Not happened yet.  NONE of it.  I am over it.  I will pray God’s direction.  Shutting it down could be my flesh rising up…  All angry bird like.

Last night at prayer, in my discouragement, I prayed, Lord, send one to stand beside me.  One that will stand beside me, and pray with me, and be an aide.  This way I will be able to share the burden.  No more wolves in sheep clothing, but a true friend, helper, prayer partner.  Just one, Lord, send one…  

I am afraid, however, there is NO ONE.  In my professional life, and spiritual life, there is no one.  We go it alone in this life.  We have to.  TRUST NO ONE.

What lesson are You trying to teach me, Lord?  Without trust there is no love?  How do I love my neighbor when they despitefully use me?  How do I love my neighbor when I don’t trust my neighbor, when I hear them talking bad about me in the church?!  Why does it have to hurt so bad?  What lesson do I have to learn here?  Why am I always turning the other cheek?  I am so beat down.  My child has been included in the beatings I am taking…  All I can do is walk away.  Why?  What is the lesson here?  What am I just not getting in all of this?

I heard a voice just say, “In the pain is the lesson.”  That sounds like baloney.  Sorry, but if that’s Your voice God, You are going to have to explain…  Break it down, because I’m dense.  I’m dumb as a box of rocks.  I can’t see past my pain to see a lesson.  I’m not buying this.  Couldn’t have been Your voice…  Not listening to that one…  Signing off…  I’ve been in the looney bin too long…  Probably shouldn’t publish this one…

 

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