We all have our vices to which we are addicted. This topic has come up so frequently over the past week that I began to assess my own life: To what am I addicted? What can I just NOT live without day-to-day?
I started in the usual spots… I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t have caffeine on a regular basis… I only recently began eating meat again… Sex is a non-factor in my life… I always tell people, “I don’t have an addictive personality,” all high and mighty like. Upon self-reflection, I would like to apologize for lying…
Now, most women love their shoes. I really love my shoes. In fact, after donating about 25 pair of shoes that were in good condition, and tossing 15 that were in poor condition – I still have over 40 pair of shoes… And counting. That’s nothing though, even that was a downsize… I am going to Europe in December, and I have been shopping… I asked my daughter to bring all of the new shoes out of the room, so that 1) I could dispose of the boxes, and 2) I could weatherproof the shoes… Little did I realize that in one month’s time, I had purchased ten pair of shoes… My shoe collection is also back over 70, and apparently still rising. I should be ashamed. Hello, my name Jessica and I buy shoes – lots of shoes, even if I have no outfit with which to pair them. SHOES!!!
Then, ONLINE SHOPPING!!! I mean, come on! How can you not online shop? This may sound like just an excuse, but after Afghanistan, I am not comfortable shopping at the mall, or places with large crowds… So, Pastor challenged us – maybe not a direct challenge, but was like, “What is something that you can’t live without?” It was the premise of “you can satisfy your flesh, or your spirit. If you choose to satisfy the desires of your flesh, then your spirit will only get what’s left over, maybe. However, if you choose to satisfy your spirit, your flesh will benefit the increase from God.” A gal at my job is doing an assignment for work, where she has to give up something to which she is addicted. You won’t believe this! She tells us about this on Sunday! After church!! After Pastor’s message! ONLINE SHOPPING… That’s my thing. I need to give it up. I have to. So, I decided that I was going to give up online shopping. Then, on Tuesday, I bought two pair of glasses. Not just any glasses. They have transition lenses and they are so0o cute – for Europe! Then, today – in between writing this blog post, I purchased groceries from Costco online… ADDICTED… Lord, deliver me!
Assessing my own life, I realized that there are many things to which I am indeed “addicted.” I just can’t live without certain things, or maybe at one point, I could not live without certain things, or even people! Addictions can ruin the quality of our lives. Addictions control our lives in a way like you would not believe.
Facebook… Oh, Facebook… How addictive art thou? For a time, very! I recall, I couldn’t go to bed without having my phone by my head, because I had to check my Facebook. Then, there was if/when I woke up in the middle of the night – had to check my Facebook! First thing in the morning, all through the day… *Sigh* Facebook addictions are real. I wouldn’t consider myself that addicted any longer… There are days that I don’t even go on Facebook. Maybe because I don’t actually like my Facebook friends? Haha… I went off of Facebook, for nearly a year when BS left me the first time… I went back on in order to keep in contact with family… Then, somehow, people from church ended up on my page, people from work – kind of took away the glamour that was “Facebook.” Bye-bye Facebook addiction! I barely even go on Instagram! I even deleted everyone from church! Until Pastor requested to follow me, haha! Not that I have anything to hide… I rarely post anyway.
Have you ever been in a relationship that was just bad for you? Maybe you didn’t realize it until you were out of it? Maybe you are in it now, and you know that relationship is bad, but you just can’t bring yourself to walk away. Story.Of.My.Life. Cue the music for Ron Pope, “Bitterness or Sympathy:”
The first night I should’ve left you,
Before I shut my eyes,
I prayed to God I’d wake up somewhere else.
When the mornin’ came to find me,
You were sleepin’ there beside me,
I wondered if this nightmare ever ends…
Between CB and BS, I was addicted to them… Knowing that I should have run away, never having the strength. It took them leaving me, for me to break free. I was so addicted to the abuse – I considered it to be love – after all, was that not the example that was set before me?
With BS, I don’t know what the draw was, in all honesty… I didn’t want to fail again. I knew that he didn’t love me. I wanted him to love me so badly! The cycle of abuse is so addictive.
You are my addiction
The needle and the spoon
There were parts of me that loved you
But they ran away too soon
He was my addiction, so strongly, did I try to hold onto him, especially after losing CB. CB was not only my husband, but also my best friend. I wanted to replace that lost relationship. Lessons Learned: 1) You will never replace one relationship with another. 2) You will never love another person until you learn to love yourself. 3) You teach others how to love you. 4) I was addicted to abuse. 5) I was attracted to men that would essentially give me the skewed version of love that I craved.
This addiction, I believe, I have curbed. I have learned to say NO to men. I have learned my value. I have been on several dates. These jokers try to tell me whatever they think it will take to get whatever they want from me. No, is a powerful word, that I did not know I could use. I don’t have to settle. I never knew that before. No more regrets for me. I even break up with guys! Yay me!!
On Sunday, Pastor gave this example – for “All the Single Folks.” At some point we have to come to the “Valley of Decision.” Where we can choose the spiritual or carnal path in our dating life – for instance things are becoming “serious.” We need to assess why or if we should continue to look to become “serious” – valley of decision. Here comes the “List.” I have a list… Is this list more carnal, or spiritual? What is his spiritual life like? Well, funny story… RBJ and I had just made a date for Friday night… I broke things off with RBJ back in June? He doesn’t go to church, has no desire to go to church. I didn’t like where things were headed… Dating in the Pacific Northwest is like: a) not exclusive unless you have a conversation about it, and you can’t have a conversation about it until you’ve been dating for, like, EVER! b) you are expected to have sex IMMEDIATELY to see if you are “compatible” – otherwise it is considered a “waste of time?” I’m sorry, but I am too old-fashioned for all of that… I don’t date anyone in the church because, 1) there isn’t anyone my age in the church, and 2) church guys seem worse than guys outside of the church. I think I am single-4-lyfe. No words about this one…
I’m going to do my best to start all over with trying to give up online shopping. It’s so hard! (Which is exactly why I need to give it up.) All this time I thought I didn’t have an addictive personality! I was totally fooling myself! I am so ashamed!
What’s your addiction? What can’t you live without?
On the Outside Looking In 