Violated

They say when it rains it pours. Well, it is pouring down on me! Do you hear what I am saying?

A week ago, bicycle thieves hit. Yesterday, my car! The bicycle thieves hit my porch… My car though… That was the most violating… My whole identity – TAKEN. I feel so unsafe. This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. I can’t take anymore.

I think I have been violated on every level. I used to be able to say, “I’ve never been robbed.” Not any longer, my friend. Why do I have this impending feeling of doom looming over my head?

People tell me: You are on the right track! The devil is mad, and he is coming against you, but you have to keep fighting. Remember, you are a Soldier for the Lord. And they say: God won’t put more on us than we can bear, so you’ve got this. You already have the victory! Something GREAT is coming!

I don’t believe any of it. My faith is wavering. I know “it’s darkest before the sun rises” – or something like that. And you can’t “have a rainbow without the rain.” I know all the cliches! I also know, realistically that, too much rain drowns out a flower – kills it! (Not all flowers, and plants. Some of them need lots of water, in bulk, because they suck it up, and store it up, for the dry season.) Whoa! Where did that come from?! And Lord, a dry season?!

You know, in the walk of faith, there seems to be one thing after another. I get that they all propel us towards another level in our walk with Christ. However, do we have to just get beat up like this? I mean can’t this just be stretched out over time?

This morning, I got into my car, to drive the younger kids to school, and the lights were on, and my battery light flashed. Luckily, my car is new enough that the lights don’t actually stay on…

I mean why mess with me now? Part of me wants to say: Show yourself already! But the other part of me knows better than to challenge him. I got a garage. My car is safe while I am at home.

I told my kids that I think he is going to kill me. I have been walking around as if waiting for my death. I know it’s coming. Beyond the violation, beyond the fear, the realization that he will likely take my life.

When the police showed up at my job that Sunday, responding to the call, “Shots fired at (our address).” I had a feeling it was meant for me… Shots fired. Not many civilians use that terminology… He’s going to kill me… Or at least try. I have to get everything in order.

November 8th would have been our anniversary… I should have pieced that together. Everyone has been asking why is he showing up now… November 8th, duh! Ugh, that date means nothing to me.

I have not been able to get “shots fired” out of my head… Then the bicycles, now my car. What does he want?! God has not given us the spirit of fear. I don’t think I am afraid. I worry for my children. I want to leave them with money. I want to leave them taken care of. When I die, I need them taken care of. I should have known he’d come for me one day. He had to have the final say. What more will he take from me? Once he takes my life, it will all be over I suppose.

I just want to go to Europe before I die!

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