There are times in this life when giving up seems like the only viable solution. When all I want to do is throw in the towel, throw my hands in the air and just say, “Forget it! I gave it my best shot!”
There are times when everyone has turned their back on you. Although, you can’t figure out why, you try to press on, try to hold your head up high, try to pretend like nothing is wrong, try not to be reactive. When inside you want to scream, “What did I do to you, to deserve you to talk about me, mistreat me, misuse me?”
There are times, sitting alone, left to your thoughts, you replay the hurts inflicted on you through the years by everyone you ever let get close. You may cry – maybe no tears come. Maybe you wish you could cry – that way you could have some release! You realize how utterly alone you feel. You try to push away those thoughts, those feelings, bury them away, but you can’t escape the pain!
There is a point beyond the pain. The numbness. You can’t feel anything. There is a point where even if you want to feel, you can’t. Even if you want to let someone in, you can’t. You have locked yourself away, as a protective measure, to protect yourself from the pain. Only now, you can’t feel a thing.
But what if it hurts?
Can’t you endure the pain for just a little while? Nothing lasts forever? No pain is so powerful that it consumes you. It feels that way – for a little while. Pain shared lessens in a way. A burden shared lightens the load.
No wound is healed without feeling a bit of pain first. We must endure the pain. So what if it hurts! Thank God it hurts! If it didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be worth it. No trial that I have been through has been painless – each one has been worth it. While going through each one, I was so ready to quit – not knowing if I would make it! But I made it. One small step at a time. I made it. This current trial seems impossible to bear!
Last night, I sat in my shower, steaming-hot water beating down on me. Tears unable to fall. Tempted no less. You can slit your wrists right here – as the image of deep red blood poured out of my arm. I could even see my lifeless body laying slumped over. Better yet, go get your gun, and end it quicker. You won’t hurt anymore. Nobody loves you, nobody would miss you. Save your kids the trouble of growing up with a mom like you. I saw myself walk to my bedside and get my gun, put it to my head and pull the trigger. I saw my kids run to the room – I had gone to the shower because I needed to pray, I wasn’t feeling right – had a bad feeling, couldn’t even eat. I didn’t go thinking I’d be tormented, or tempted, or whatever. I finally came to my senses, and began to rebuke the in enemy in the name of Jesus. Suicidal, I am not. Depressed? I am not.
My life is not my own, it’s the Lord’s. And, so what, if it hurts? That means I will be that much more victorious on the other side! What the enemy means for evil, God will turn around and reverse and make it for His glory. Not my will but His will be done. I take no glory in anything – all that I do is for Him. The works of my hands are for His glory.
My “family” has encouraged me so much to “be prepared to walk away.” But God is fighting all of my battles. I am so blessed to be surrounded by spiritual people that are truly amazing. I am so blessed that family ties are not DNA. I have true family, that love me, and my kids. I no longer have to bend over backwards trying to please anyone, or give things to anyone, hoping for their love. I have family that love me and my kids for who we are, imperfections and all.
What if it hurts?
When trust is betrayed, and those you call “family” are not truly “family,” it hurts. The Lord is a comfort. He is also and ever present help in the time of trouble. The pain lessons over time. Also, prayer helps, when you can truly pray for those whom hurt you, and love them inspite of it all, and pray for their souls to be saved, there in comes your healing! I hold no animosity. I pray for their salvation. It is hard to be hurt when you consider the state of a person’s soul.
I am far from perfect, and I hurt. Right now, I am in my own season of sorts. Not even certain what this is – I have never been here before, I know that I am in a place where I have never been. I also know that I am going deeper than I ever have before… Reaching these depths, I am experiencing things I never have before.
But I am learning. Learning to lean on His unchanging hand. Learning to trust in the Father. Learning that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Learning that the Lord is my Rock and my Salvation, whom shall I fear, whom shall I be afraid? Learning that it hurts sometimes, because growing pains, hurt. Learning that He holds me in His loving arms. Learning that He is always there. Learning my name in Him!
So what, if it hurts!