It’s not that I don’t have a desire to date, I just don’t date. For a while, I went on a couple dates here and there. I even made it to like a third date – and secularly, you know what that is supposed to mean – especially if you didn’t give it up on the first, or second date. After being told that expectation, I decided it best not to date because:
And, in my church, we have a lot of married men, not so many single men. Who’s counting? I also told myself I wouldn’t date anyone at my church. I said I wouldn’t date a “Christian Man.”
Hahaha, I’m just kidding, that isn’t why… I just happened to come across this while looking for memes to send to my Sunday School Team. It made me laugh. I had to weave it in. Done. Okay. But seriously, I told myself I wouldn’t date a Christian man, because I don’t feel good enough. Being divorced twice, having three kids. I don’t date. All of the older women, tell me, “You’re young, don’t say you won’t marry again. You don’t know what God has planned.”
No one knows the pain that I hide under the smile I wear. They don’t see the tears I shed in private, on the way to church, leaving church, throughout the week. Being abandoned three times by two men that I loved left major heartache – not for them, but in me. Feelings of worthlessness. I scarcely feel worthy of God’s Love. Little do you know how I’m breaking as I fall asleep. Little do you know I’m still haunted by the memories. Little do you know I’m still trying to pick myself up piece by piece…
I sat in my car at church, and watched this older couple. Her husband was in a wheelchair, and she, with no help from anyone else, got him into the passenger seat, and is headed around the car to get into the driver’s seat. That’s love. I think of vows: “in sickness and in health.” More realistically: if I am unable to walk, and have to depend on you, will you be my legs? If I lose my eyesight, and can no longer see, will you be my eyes? When I am unable to speak, and utter a word, will you be my voice? Those are REAL vows. Or maybe “if you lose functioning of your limbs, I will be your feet, legs, arms, and hands. If you should ever come to a place where you are unable to speak, I will be your voice…” Something like that… I should write vows for people! I am good at this! Haha! Except, as I write these things words I have a face in my mind…
I don’t know if/when I will ever be ready to date. I had a conversation with someone this week from the church, and she told me, “If we wait until we are ready for anything, we will always be waiting. No one ever gets to that point, we are all working towards something all the time.” That just resonated with me. We had that conversation on Tuesday.
Whether there is love for me or not… I have loved and been loved. It truly is the greatest feeling in the world. If I never experience it again – that’s okay. His will be done.