I’m a Hypocrite

I write these posts like “Just One” and “What If It Hurts?” and don’t practice what I preach.

In Just One, I stated: “Last night at prayer, in my discouragement, I prayed, Lord, send one to stand beside me.  One that will stand beside me, and pray with me, and be an aide.  This way I will be able to share the burden.  No more wolves in sheep clothing, but a true friend, helper, prayer partner.  Just one, Lord, send one…” And Sunday, November 12th, someone FINALLY stood up and said, “I will stand beside you. Teach me to do what you do.” She is a prayer warrior. She is always giving me words of wisdom – that are relevant, speaking life into my life.

In that same post, I also wrote: “I heard a voice just say, “In the pain is the lesson.”  That sounds like baloney.  Sorry, but if that’s Your voice God, You are going to have to explain…  Break it down, because I’m dense.  I’m dumb as a box of rocks.  I can’t see past my pain to see a lesson.  I’m not buying this.  Couldn’t have been Your voice…  Not listening to that one…  Signing off…  I’ve been in the looney bin too long…  Probably shouldn’t publish this one…” (I published it.) IN THE PAIN IS THE LESSON. When did I publish that one?! October 7th… Little did I know then, that it was preparing me for the season I was to endure now.

Then, October 31st, I wrote a post, Well, When You Say It That Way. In it, I said, “I am entering a new season. A season of cleansing. A season where things, people, friendships will change, be cleansed. The thing is, as the ones are purged, new bonds will be formed. This I believe. Though this transition period may be painful, I won’t look at what I don’t have, or what I’m losing – I will look at what I do have. Too often I look back, like Lot’s wife. What God delivers me from, I won’t long for. Too often I have done that. Time for change. To grasp everything He has for me, I must walk in the newness of His light. Old things shall pass away, behold all things shall be made new.” Is this EVER a season of painful transitions? Why am I looking back? I long for the peace and security I had when I didn’t use the talents He gave me. But then, that’s a sin, isn’t it? This too shall pass. I must remember that. I CANNOT give up – no matter how tempting. This season is very painful – even this is an understatement. Yet, I knew it was coming! I saw it coming! How is it that I have been so close to giving up? I didn’t imagine that the pain of losing would hurt this much! The pain of growth would be this difficult to endure. This pain is no joke. I find myself in a place where I must encourage myself in order to make it. So many seem to wish to see me fail. Yet, there are those praying for me, as I go through this process. Oh this process!

In that same post, I also wrote: “why do I feel like I never eat?! I mean, I live in a state of constant fasting… Not even out of choice, really, or will.. My weight has once again dropped below 100lbs. However, I started eating meat to GAIN weight! However, I cannot even enjoy eating meat because I’m always fasting! Not by choice, but because I compelled to fast. I mean, the Lord knows why. Many things have been revealed, as a result, for that I am grateful. I am reminded that “we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” With this knowledge, I have been able to approach the issues in my home differently (since Friday night) and let me tell you, I see a change already! Since Friday, I adopted a method my parents used on me: pray until you touch God! I pray as well. We have peace in our home. I see a difference in the kids. I see a difference in interpersonal relationships. It is like when I fell in love with Jesus as a child (preteen/teen), I am not approaching it quite like my parents (as a punishment) but I am hoping to help cultivate a love of prayer, of Christ, in them.” God already gave me the answer. How did I forget? I looked backward to the captivity, the desert land, and not forward to the promise land, liberty, freedom. Why did I do that? Why do I do that?

The battle is in the mind. Listening to outside influences – people that I love and respect telling me to give up, walk away, “it’s not giving up it’s being smart.” As I search the Word for guidance, wisdom, and understanding, I feel at a loss.

I wrote all of the above Monday morning… Same night, before heading home, I stopped at someone’s home, from church. She said to me – as soon as I walked in the door, “I’ve been praying for you since leaving church yesterday – you want to leave. You have been asking the Lord for direction on what to do, and where to go. After you go through this season, and after you are away on your trip, you will have full clarity and will be able to do what you have to – even leave with no regrets. You are casting your lots on dry bones. All they see are your gifts, gifts, gifts.” There was such an excitement in the way she spoke to me. Encouraging me to leave. Telling me that Pastor and First Lady “they don’t know your heart. I know your heart. You want to serve, and help people.” Are they supposed to? They are man. God knows the heart. I’m no respecter of persons. “When you leave, you’ll go somewhere else and be greater. Everyone will hear you and love you.” I don’t do what I do for recognition, glory or love.

Wow! I don’t know what to think, say, feel, about ALL that! Just. Wow. I know the devil is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. If we aren’t careful, even we who are saved can be used by him… I was checked in my spirit. Again. With this person. Some of what I saw was evil when they looked in my eyes. Then they said, “Oh look, you have the joy of the Lord!” It felt evil. I don’t trust it. That’s what they said as I was leaving. They kissed my cheek – usually never do that, and it reminded me of Judas’ kiss of betrayal. Then, the next day, they sent multiple text messages, defaming my assistant. I am praying. Pure evil!

I now have motivation to stay and fight! I shall not be moved!

In another blog post, I wrote: “To be like Job! Who lost everything, he still chose God. There wasn’t even a choice in his mind. He lost his home, his children, his earnings, his friends, livelihood, everything! And he still chose God! That is wisdom! That is true love! That is how I want to be. That is who I want to be. I was in tears yesterday, before my children, as I confessed to them, that I know that I am not there yet. I love God sooo much! Yet, I put so much before Him – work, kids, serving Him even! Sometimes I serve God so much that I don’t have time for God. I’m too exhausted after all of the serving, that I don’t feel like praying or reading my Bible. I tell the kids to pray on their own. Sad, isn’t it? Wrong! It’s infuriating. I’m ashamed.” I realize in my quest for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding, I am enduring some heartache. Maybe not on the same level as Job (thank you Jesus!). However, even I have underestimated myself. I have come to lose a LOT in a short amount of time. It almost begs the question: Will you still trust Him? Yes! Who I’ll be on the other side of this will be much better than who I am now. I must make it through these trials resting in the Lord. He is my shelter, my sword and my shield. In Him will I trust.

I believe I can make it… I finally believe.

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