How many memorial services have I attended this year? How many completed or attempted suicides did I hear about, or knew the individual? Mortality.
As I reluctantly prepare for another memorial service – what a way to end the year – I am not thinking of my own mortality. I am thinking of the fate of those who I come into contact with on a daily basis. I am thinking about how life is truly a vapor – truly a gift/ a blessing. It is here one moment, and just like that! It can be gone – and where do we find ourselves? Facing eternity. Immortality. That’s a concept. Scary, if we are not right with our Maker. A joyous occasion, if we are ready to meet Him.
I learned something, attending one of the many memorial services… You wear white or light colors – no black or dark colors, at a baby’s home going. It made sense after – Why we don’t wear the dark hues. Babies are innocent, after all. We know that God has them in His hands. Although, it is sad, and we may mourn, He has them, and we don’t have to be sad for long – not knowing for sure where they will spend eternity.
We mourn the lives of our older/ adult friends and family… We wear black – it is a very sad occasion when they pass. Does God have them? Did they repent? Did they receive the Holy Ghost? Were they baptized In Jesus’ name? Did He have mercy at the last minute if these conditions were not met? Oh God, Why wasn’t I a better witness! Why wasn’t I bolder in the spirit! Why didn’t I lead him/her to You? Why didn’t I recognize that he/she was hurting? I only saw my pain… When is the last time I prayed for him? When is the last time I called her?
We have so many regrets after they are already gone. After the soul has left the body. Things we should have said while they were still alive. So many missed opportunities. I am no different. I had regrets. I couldn’t accept this passing. How many times did I call him? I sent three text messages – one was a borderline novel. Regrets.
The service was not what I expected. It was charming. It was funny. It was filled with RBJ. He would have been pleased. Our very own superhero. The reverend compared him to Batman – human, yet a superhero nonetheless. She captured him so well. Not that I knew him that well. But the pieces she shared, I did know him! He really did share himself with me. I am humbled. His mom hugged me. And, Grandma. She goes, “I’m Grandma.” And hugged me. “Nice to meet you, I’m Jessy, a friend.” A friend? Then it hit me – Oh God, who has his cell phone? Did they read what I wrote? Could they? Did they see our exchanges from before? Did they know the nature of our relationship? Did they know how he truly felt about me? And I him? How did I truly feel? Does it matter? He’s gone… He said I was worth the wait… I said he was in the way of my relationship with God.
The reverend painted a picture that he still had a reverence for God. That wasn’t what he said to me… But maybe he did… Maybe, God still reached out to his heart, even at the end…
I reached out to my GodMother on my way to the service – asking for prayer, then I called after, and told her why I needed her prayers. She confirmed what the Lord spoke to me last Sunday: take this as a lesson, get up and run. She told me, that God had spoken to him, he knew. She said that maybe I could have done more, maybe not. But God called him in all of the ways he could. She told me not to allow the enemy to get into my head, and tell me it’s my fault (a battle I am facing) she told me to continue doing God’s work, and keep planting seeds. I am grateful for her words, her prayers.
I didn’t have a dry eye when I got there. I wasn’t even sure why I went. I just felt like I had to go – I had to be there. I don’t know if it makes sense? I needed the closure maybe? Perhaps because I still didn’t believe it? I wasn’t in love with him. But I loved him as a person, a friend. He had a great sense of humor. If I had been in a different place in my life, I would have stayed with him. It was comfortable, and we clicked. He got me – now he’s gone. Everyone was carefully tiptoeing around the cause of death… I pray he had a chance – I pray the Lord had mercy. Because my heart, is heavy. The weight of his salvation – I know it isn’t mine alone, but… It’s heavy.
I asked him on our first date: What’s your biggest fear? He answered: I’m going to die alone, with just my cat. He called it… He knew… My sister and I have had a theory – or have been trying to figure out if people know that they will die early… (Although is it “early” or just your time? Different blogpost I believe.) I wonder if he knew that he would die young? 36 years old is so young! 2/13/81 – 12/19/17 Ugh… My heart is so heavy!
I pray you are resting well Mr. R.B. Jeter. I hear Pit Pat is going home with your family… I wanted him, haha. We bonded, you know… But, who was I in your life?