They say it’s not “What was done,” rather “Who done it?”
I beg to differ. On the contrary, it is most definitely a combination… You see, “Who done it?” Might not matter as much, if someone takes the trash out… But, “Who done it?” Matters a WHOLE lot when it comes down to, “Who ate the last creme filled doughnut from Krispie Kreme?” Just like, “Who done it?” Matters a whole lot… tonight, as I nurse my wounded heart… In this situation, “Who done it?” Makes a world of difference!
If ever the pain was insurmountable, that I thought I would not be able to withstand it – this night is that night. This night, it is THAT bad… This night, I dare say, I wish I were dead. Betrayal. I’ve been betrayed before. I should be used to it. But by these? I’m only human! How do people forget that I am human?
The words above I began January 9th… So often, in this life, I have found myself reminding others that I am human, and I have feelings. Especially those whom I love the most. I’m not trying to make myself a victim by any means, however a principle that I know is: We teach others how to love us. With this thought in mind, I wonder how do I continually fall into the rut of people-pleasing to my own detriment?
Sure, I’ve learned how to pick out red-flags from men, and not accept them, or their advances. I know my worth there, and know that I don’t have to be with a man. I finally love myself, because I learned how to love God and found my worth in Him.
But what about others? What about those that we taught to love us a certain way, is there no undoing of that? In a desire to be the best mom, am I actually a terrible mom? I was selfish, I suppose – wanting the best for my children, never showing them what it was to struggle. It was my fault really. They saw me, and like everyone else, they must have thought, Mom has it all together. Maybe they felt like they didn’t measure up? Worthlessness. What a horrible feeling to perpetuate. Of course that would breed contempt for me.
I’ve changed since that day. Always changing, ever evolving. I allowed them to know that I was in pain. They didn’t care – words from my son. That stung. He had that right. But now, each day, we not only give a positive and a goal, we give a check in word or statement about how you are feeling. Sometimes, I feel embarrassed because someone read my blogpost. Sometimes, I feel happy because I have a job interview. Or, Good.
One thing I learned through this process with my children is the power of repairing a relationship. It is so vital for both parties that a repair take place. Why? Because, it gives credence that there was a rift in the relationship. It also allows the offender the opportunity to absolve themselves of the guilt, that they would otherwise live with. It allows the injured party to forgive quickly, and not allow bitterness to take root. Hurt people hurt people. Repairing quickly will stop this vicious cycle. The two parties will also be able to mend, and develop their interpersonal relationship, on the other side of the repair, it will be stronger.