Words I Wish I Could Say


I am grateful for the times that I have loved. I no longer mourn the loss. I can truly look back at the years, and be thankful for the lessons. Yes, there were times of pain. There were also times of joy. I don’t know that I have many regrets? Maybe a few? There are things I wish I could say, if I ever had the opportunity to see you again.

I would let you know, with no uncertainty, that you are loved. I don’t think you know that. I don’t think you have ever felt worthy of love. But, you are so worthy. Christ died for you – whether you believe these words to be true or not, He did, and He lives, and He loves you. I love you, in a pure way now. I hope you find peace. I pray you find salvation. You are worthy. Your life is worth living. Your past is past. Your past does not define you. Let it go. I am sorry for making you my god, and putting you ahead of God, a role you could never achieve. We both did that, in such an unhealthy way. We were searching in each other what only God could fulfill. I figured it out before you. Is that why you left? I often pondered this question. Was it me? What is so wrong with me? Then it hit me: You were never meant to stay. I don’t begrudge you for leaving. As a matter of fact, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you! You left to save me. You left to free me. Your leaving helped me to heal. So, thank you. At first I thought:


And maybe that was true? I can’t say. Maybe you truly loved me. I truly loved you. Did you know that? I didn’t think I would ever love again. I said I would freeze my heart. I would never love again, never date, be alone for the remainder of my life. I was pretty damaged. Somehow, I started living again. As I began to live, as I began to heal, as I began to love myself, my heart began to melt. I have gone on dates. Enough to know that I don’t fancy dating the way dating is here in the Pacific Northwest. So, I don’t date. I’m waiting.


Maybe there is someone out there for me, maybe not? I am in no hurry. But, I want you to know that I wish you the best. I don’t regret us. I learned a lot about myself. I don’t know if our paths will ever meet. If they were to cross, would we pretend to not see one another? Would we be perfect strangers? Or would we say, “Hello.” I hope you are well. I hope you are happy. My heart has moved on. (I mentioned this as though seeking your blessing.) The gentleman doesn’t know, it’s a one sided affection. Maybe I need your blessing? As if leaving me wasn’t enough?

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