It’s Just a Little Hurt

So, I’m trying to understand why on earth things can’t seem to go well for any length of time?! I mean, maybe I bring some of it on myself, but surely not all of it?! I mean come on! I mean not all of it is even directed towards me.

But, how is one supposed to feel, when their child, rejects the things they have been taught? I worry for her, I fear for her, I hurt for her. The pain that she must be feeling, must seem too much to bear. Turning to the world, the only solution. Little one, don’t you know, the world has nothing for you? The devil is as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. His sole purpose is but to steal, kill, and destroy. Weeks have passed, and I have asked, What’s wrong, are you depressed? “I don’t know.” All you want to do is sleep, you can’t even fake a smile if you try, what’s going on, I’m concerned.” Finally, “Well, I’m being bullied at school.”

Oh how your heart breaks when you hear the word bullied. Oh dear Lord, how can this be? You have to protect my child, what do I say? We talk about it, find out where she is with it. She is all over the place. To discover, it’s been going on for months, and she’s been trying to fight this battle alone, and sinking. Desiring the world, rejecting Christ. Oh how my heart breaks.

Work. I need a new job. This I know. Point blank. I need a new job. There is no getting around this. I want to find a decent job. Don’t know that it will actually happen. But, here’s the thing: I am in a position where I am going to purchase a home this year, plus I’m going to school. Although a job change could be a positive thing? Perhaps after the home buying thing? I don’t know, we’ll see. I am seriously just tired of feeling like this at work – not valued or appreciated. They keep giving me the run around. Still, I don’t want to leave just yet… I don’t know? I feel as though I should stay until I am at least done with school. Maybe then I will be able to move on, and into a corporate office.

Poor kids will suffer. Tae Kwon Do, I’m thinking. Who will take them? I can’t sustain it! Maybe Chris and Nika will be more proactive? I’m also thinking of looking into a CNA course, so that I can do nursing while I wait… Or, maybe I should just take an admin job, closer to home while I wait? Ugh, so many things to consider… What’s the right decision? And, I want – I need to be here for my children. I can’t lose them. I can’t. They are so precious.

He who shall not be named had a post, yesterday, (I saw it today) echoing, almost verbatim the words I said to my daughter. He posted it at 6:30a. She and I had that conversation in the car, on the way to school around 6:45a. Crazy! Coincidence? God. After our conversation on Sunday, I was told myself, I feel nothing more than friendship. It’s true. So, I’m convinced that I was completely wrong about him being the one. Sure, I enjoy talking to him. As a friend? And I feel nothing? Something? Nothing? Pretty sure it goes both ways. I am not sure what I feel… I don’t know if I am disappointed, or surprised, or just like, huh? Really? How did I get that wrong? And how are there so many similarities? Yet, I feel nothing?

Then, I am reminded of my own desire of a relationship that grows out of a friendship. I am also reminded of the talk I had with Jesus the other day… I am also reminded of my sister telling me something like, love isn’t about feeling the butterflies when you are with someone. It’s about being with the one that gives you a sense of safety and security. I remember thinking, well I’ve always done that all wrong! I go for the butterflies and the ZING! Forget the security. Who needs that comfort and safety. Doesn’t it come later? In my experience, no.

Perhaps this is the plight of the “good girl.” It is not the good guy that finishes last. He is patient, and will ultimately find a wonderful woman. It is a “good girl” that is easily bamboozled by the zing and the butterflies. Therefore, the “good girl” harms herself in the end, with what ends up, in most cases being a “bad boy.” It’s just a little hurt… Tell me I’m still worth it, going through the pain…

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