There is a time, and a season for everything. Things happen for a reason. And, then we discover that everything happens as it is supposed to, in the time it is assigned. There is a proverb that states, Everything is as it should be. I have lived by these words much of my life, and accepted many things that I really did not have to accept, because I thought, Things are as they should be. How false was that belief? Isn’t it funny how deluded we become when are drawn away. I thought I had to accept a cheating husband. I thought I had to accept getting beat, and called every name in the book. I thought I had to accept every lie the enemy had for me. No, I didn’t have to accept any of the above.
The greatest lesson that I learned through the painful healing process, was 1) I am forgiven. Also, I learned to forgive. Let me tell you, never say never! “I’ll never speak to _______ as long as I live.” How many people were on that list? How many people hurt me, used me, abused me, violated me, invaded me, mistreated me? With, or without my permission. Still, I did not have to take it. I did not have to allow it to affect my life in such a profound way. But, healing! When healing manifested, so much more came out of it, all of those people whom I was sure to never speak with again, suddenly, I felt love towards them, and just want to see their souls saved. No matter how great the offense, forgiveness, healing, and love are greater.
I found myself, on New Year’s Eve, clearing out my block list. When that meant even my ex-husband, I was like, God, surely you don’t mean him? Yes, even him. It took me until 12:04am, after I vowed to do it before New Year’s, but I did it. And I pray for him daily. When, that meant my mother. I did it, with no intentions of speaking with her again. Lo and behold, if the Lord hasn’t been working on my heart, and I knew he was. I had a conversation with her on the telephone. It wasn’t long. We text messaged first. Then, she called me, I couldn’t speak, I was out. I called her back this evening. As I said, very short call. There are some conversations that I need to have that I need to initiate. I want people to know that I forgive them, and that I am praying for them, and their souls, and I hope they have peace, and know that God loves them.
Tonight, in a state of unrest, in a state of discouragement, needing God… I opened my Bible (app), and was led to Malachi 3. What stood out was the 5th verse. “And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and against false swearers, and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.” Then verses 15-18… v.18 reads: “Then shall ye return, and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that serveth God and him that serveth Him not.” These scriptures speak to me in my discouragement, because often I find my plight of trying to do right, and being misunderstood, not liked, and I look and see people that are doing wrong openly being rewarded, while I get looked at sideways, when I am not doing anything. I know the Lord will fight my battles. I know the Lord’s opinion of me is what matters, not man’s opinion of me. Still, man can do harm to a person’s reputation, and harm one’s inward self.
I am constantly reminded that I am not liked. My friends that I do have are friends that are all over the age of 50, and love the Lord, even if our doctrinal beliefs are different. Funny how my current place of worship boasts of the love you feel, and how welcoming everyone is… My experience is anything but… I have showed myself friendly. Not sure what else there is to do, other than, say, Oh well! I have friends, they just aren’t ones with whom I attend church. I am still not connected to a Huddle Up. And, I won’t, maybe that’s part of the problem? Maybe it’s because I’m single? With so many married folks, they don’t want to be around a single gal. Even the other single ladies don’t want to hang with me! I don’t know what gives.
This morning, in the pre-service leadership huddle, Pastor spoke a bit to what I typed last night. He said something to the effect of: Sometimes, just as Jesus was compelled – or driven, into the wilderness, to be tempted for 40 days and 40 nights, sometimes, we are driven into a place that is uncomfortable, and others may not understand, but it is our worship that drives us, even if it is to reach one, or to get to another level in our personal relationships with Christ. He spoke about Jesus and the Samaritan woman (he loves that story). He talked about how Jesus met her where she was, and walked her to where she needed to be. The only thing required of her was her honesty, when he asked her to bring her husband. “I have none.”
It’s a comforting thought, to know that God is with me always, and requires only my honesty. It’s a comforting feeling to know that the feelings which cause me pain, and loneliness, can be my greatest allies. Pastor seems to be right in line with what I face, in his ministering to us. Or maybe I am right in line? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? It really doesn’t matter! All I know is, everything happens for a reason, I will follow God’s will, no matter how tough the road may seem.