I have faith. I have faith that goes between the size of a mustard seed, and the size of mountains. My faith is great, my faith is small, my faith wavers, my faith is abundant, my faith never leaves me completely. But what about those times when faith doesn’t seem to be quite enough to sustain? What about the doubt that remains? What about the promises that I was told would come, and they are nowhere in sight? Doubt. Was it me? Were they my own thoughts? Was it me all along? Did I lack faith? Not to say that the promises are not true. But, what do I do when I begin to DOUBT my FAITH?
Belief. Where does belief come into play? Believe that the promises are true? How do I trust, how do I have faith when believing is hard? When I am so overcome with doubt… Doubt has such a negative connotation. Is doubt such a terrible thing? I don’t think it is. Doubt fuels our faith. It is an element of our faith! I recall so many years ago, when I first questioned my beliefs. Was it doubt? Can I name it doubt? No matter what I call it, didn’t it solidify my belief? It took me a long time. I thought I would never find my way back to Christ, still I made my way.
Why do we fear our doubts? We seem to think that doubt equates unbelief it does not. Doubt is most assuredly an element of faith. So, what am I doubting, why am I afraid of this feeling of doubt? Why am I challenged in this place where I find myself at this current? It is a wearying place. I am so full of uncertainties. I find myself unsure if I am following the right path. Am I going down the right direction? Is this my will or His? How I want to do right, and be in His will… How I want to make the right decision without being stupid… What is the right choice? I know the right choice… But how terrifying to take a leap of faith! I am afraid.
This I cannot do on my own. I wish there was a plain sign: JESSY, DO THIS/ DON’T DO THAT. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT/ WORNG DECISION. YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT/ WRONG PATH. GO THIS/ THAT WAY. *Sigh* Things are not so simple… Trust… I just have to trust and believe… When believing is hard…