Now I Know – Only, I Don’t Know

“‘Life can turn on a dime.’ I never knew the meaning of that until I knew the meaning of that.”  Such a profound statement, I had to pirate it.  ALL of it – verbatim (after I looked up what it meant).

She is one of the wisest women I know.  She isn’t that much older than me – maybe ten years, or less.  At the beginning of our (what are we?  Not quite friends, not quite a sisterly relationship – although, maybe, because she likes me – ish, but maybe not?) “relationship” – we’ll call it that – she definitely disliked me.  I had invaded her space.  But, I’m one of those people that just grows on folk.  You can’t help but love (too strong a word?) – okay “like” – have some sort of affinity for me (haha).  At least that’s what I tell myself…  This of course is only if you give me the chance…  Not too many people give me the chance…  They judge…  In any case, our relationship was born out of many commonalities, we discovered.  Also, I found that she is wise, and gave the best advise.  Now, she greets me with hugs.  She truly cares about souls, truth, and individuals’ well-being.  I have learned a great deal of lessons from her, and I’m still learning.  She knows how to break things down to the personal level, meeting you right where you are…  She doesn’t know how much I respect her.

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Life keeps happening and changing on me in these flashes.  Death.  Suicide.  How many suicides will affect my life this year?  Already impacted by another suicide, so close to me.  I saw she was different, we all did.  Why did no one reach out?  “KS are you okay?” I asked.  “Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered aggressively.  I prayed for her.  She had shared that she had a rough weekend.  In our community meetings, she had been saying that she wasn’t sleeping.  I had seen cuts on her.  I didn’t say anything to her.  I reported them to her supervisor…  “I wonder if she fought with her boyfriend?”  Speculation, no check-in…  People, after the fact are all responding differently.  “I’m angry with her.  She was moody, but not like really depressed, she just really wanted validation.”  “This just really sucks.”  “Was she beautiful?”  “She was so awesome at so many things?”  And me, I saw the signs.  I only asked, “Are you okay?”  I allowed her to push me away.  I could have done more.  Her boyfriend found her…  How must he feel?  Terrible, right?  Then everyone, I wonder how she did it?  Does it matter??  She’s dead!  Her parents lost their daughter.  Her boyfriend will be forever scarred because he found his girlfriend dead at her own hands.  The lives with whom she encountered are all forever changed…  Life can turn on a dime.

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People that didn’t know her as well, impacted.  Tears flowing, memories of how suicide impacted them, recently, not-so-recently…  Questioning: Is this really the field for me?  Stalking her Facebook page.  Sunday morning, 4:12am, she changed her profile photo, to a picture of her throwing up two “PEACE” signs.  She was at peace with her decision?  Had she made up her mind to go?  Was she saying, “Peace out!”  “Deuces!”  Was life so hard that she refused to really share her struggle with anyone?  Did I get too close?  Did she want to cry for help?  Could I have helped her?  We all need someone with whom we can connect.  Someone that will understand us.  I can sit here and speculate and ask God why, until I am blue in the face…  Truth is, she’s gone.  It’s too late.

I can’t judge people’s reactions to this poor girl’s decision in death.  I can’t judge this poor girl’s decision to end her life.  I don’t know why she did it.  “I don’t understand death.”  One gal said that to me today.  She seemed to look to me for answers, validation, or something.  I could only look at her and say, “I don’t either.”  Life is a vapor.  We can be here one moment, gone the next.  We should love while we can, hold no grudges, have no regrets, have no fears, share God, share peace – because we never know if the conversation we have with someone will be the final conversation.  My last conversation with KS was, “KS, are you okay?”  “Yeah. I’m fine.”  I prayed for her in my head, and prayed for her at home.  But we never saw one another again.

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