Girl Without A Home

“Mama said, ‘Home is where the heart is.’ When I left that town… ~Lady Antebellum “Home Is Where the Heart Is”

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I find that as I leave the beautiful state of Washington, I find myself not wanting to go back. I feel as though I don’t really have a home. I truly have no ties any place – save for my children. My children are the reason I am in Washington – well, their dad. Sure, I can take him to court, and plead my cause to take them and leave that beautiful state. But where would I go?

I’m a woman without roots. A woman without a home. If home is where the heart is, where is my heart? Shouldn’t I discover that before I try to settle? Maybe then, I wouldn’t keep running – from/to what?

This isn’t a good feeling at all. I have plans to purchase a home this year, but I don’t really want to buy a home in Washington. So why am I? Well, the kids. I want to give them a home. I want to give them stability. Yet, I cannot seem to bring myself to want to settle any place. What can this really mean?

They say, there’s no place like home. Yet, I feel as though I have never really had a home. I don’t know where I belong. I often feel so alone. Being here in California, with my siblings, I am nostalgic for family.

Not only that, I miss family. Since my last divorce, I vowed to stay single – for myself, my healing, and my children. We were wounded. It’s funny. When I do my mindfulness exercises, and I journey to my safe place, which I only do when someone guides me… In any case, I wrote about this before, he is still my safe place. His arms wrapped tightly around me, the sound of his beating heart. The light shining in through the windows… I didn’t cry from the pain of the memory. I welcomed it, I needed it. I embraced the safe place. I have no feelings left for him. I cannot remember his face, voice, anything… Honestly, the safe place is more of the feeling than the other party.

I feel as though I am searching for something. Perhaps, I am running away from something (someone). I don’t know what it is that I am doing. I don’t know from what I am running. All I know is that my heart has not found a place to call home… Will I continue to run until my dying day? Probably, I’ll work on a cruise ship or something after kids graduate… Then I won’t have to worry about having a “home.”

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Well, I have a pair of awesome red shoes… All I need is a very loyal dog! Because, ToTo, we don’t have a home anymore.

3 comments

  1. I had liked this post long ago but it was time to read today. You have written very beautiful.

    मायके भी होते है…..
    ससुराल भी होते है…….
    मगर,
    घर नहीं होते है लड़कीयों के!!!!
    मायका कहता है…..ये बेटी पराई घर की होती है
    ससुराल कहता है…..ये बेटी पराए घर से आईं है…….

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “There are also maidens…
      There are also laws…
      But,
      The girls do not have homes…”

      I like this quote poem.. Thank you for commenting, I am glad you enjoyed the post, I write what I feel at the moment.

      Liked by 1 person

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