Girl Without A Home

“Mama said, ‘Home is where the heart is.’ When I left that town… ~Lady Antebellum “Home Is Where the Heart Is”

I find that as I leave the beautiful state of Washington, I find myself not wanting to go back. I feel as though I don’t really have a home. I truly have no ties any place – save for my children. My children are the reason I am in Washington – well, their dad. Sure, I can take him to court, and plead my cause to take them and leave that beautiful state. But where would I go?

I’m a woman without roots. A woman without a home. If home is where the heart is, where is my heart? Shouldn’t I discover that before I try to settle? Maybe then, I wouldn’t keep running – from/to what?

This isn’t a good feeling at all. I have plans to purchase a home this year, but I don’t really want to buy a home in Washington. So why am I? Well, the kids. I want to give them a home. I want to give them stability. Yet, I cannot seem to bring myself to want to settle any place. What can this really mean?

They say, there’s no place like home. Yet, I feel as though I have never really had a home. I don’t know where I belong. I often feel so alone. Being here in California, with my siblings, I am nostalgic for family.

Not only that, I miss family. Since my last divorce, I vowed to stay single – for myself, my healing, and my children. We were wounded. It’s funny. When I do my mindfulness exercises, and I journey to my safe place, which I only do when someone guides me… In any case, I wrote about this before, he is still my safe place. His arms wrapped tightly around me, the sound of his beating heart. The light shining in through the windows… I didn’t cry from the pain of the memory. I welcomed it, I needed it. I embraced the safe place. I have no feelings left for him. I cannot remember his face, voice, anything… Honestly, the safe place is more of the feeling than the other party.

I feel as though I am searching for something. Perhaps, I am running away from something (someone). I don’t know what it is that I am doing. I don’t know from what I am running. All I know is that my heart has not found a place to call home… Will I continue to run until my dying day? Probably, I’ll work on a cruise ship or something after kids graduate… Then I won’t have to worry about having a “home.”

Well, I have a pair of awesome red shoes… All I need is a very loyal dog! Because, ToTo, we don’t have a home anymore.

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