I feel utterly overwhelmed on all fronts. I have no place to turn. Last night, I was having a conversation with my godmother, “You have to stop saying things like that, you have everyone worried.” The weekend before, I went to San Diego to visit my brother, and posted something about not wanting to go home… “I have no family here. It gets really lonely. I stay here for the kids – so they can see their dad, it’s easier,” I explain. What I don’t say, is that I feel so utterly alone, that I cannot stand it. What I don’t say, is that people who claim to embrace me as “family” have ulterior motives and the feeling of being used is for the birds. What I don’t say, is that given the opportunity to walk away from it all, I would run in a heartbeat. Nope, I hold it all inside. I swallow it down as a lump in my throat, and don’t allow the tears that are threatening to fall.
I am overwhelmed, not knowing which way to go. There are so many decisions that I must make, in such a short amount amount of time, and in the words of Sylvia Plath, I talk to God but the sky is empty. I didn’t share this in my conversation with my godmother, in fact, I shared very little. She told me, One thing that always stayed with me from Sunday School, was an image of a little girl, walking through a tunnel alone. We have to go through a period in our life, where it’s just us and God. I believe you’re in that now. You may not always feel Him, but know He’s there. I’m going to pray for you, and your mind.
Why did her words give me a rise? Even now as I reflect… Thing is, I know she’s right. But, for what purpose? So that I learn to trust that He will supply my every need. Don’t I know that already? I believe it for everyone else, but me. It’s time to know who He is to me and for me. Wasn’t I already working on that? What happened – what set me back? I know what happened. When life became a too hard to bear, I began to believe the lies about myself. When people around me were committing suicide, and I had no answer as to why?! I blamed myself – isn’t that akin to putting myself in the place of God? “I should have been a better witness, maybe he wouldn’t have overdosed.” “I should have asked checked on her more – asked her more directly.” “When You woke me in the midnight hour to pray, I should have been obedient and prayed longer, prayed for the world!” That’s absurd in my ears. I’m not God. I can’t save the world. I can do only as much as I can, and He does the rest.
I wish I could rise above. I wish I could run away. I am happy when I am not here. In my weakness He’s made strong. I am so very weak, life has beaten me down, where is the glory in that? I have to trust and believe that something good will come out of the pain and emptiness that I experience. If only to deal with the loneliness. I feel myself isolating again. Before, I would do whatever it takes to stop the isolation. Not this time. I hate it here. I am lonely. I just want to leave this place.
I am overwhelmed by these men, that I am sure are no good for me, hitting me up. This week has been full of phone calls, text messages, and Snaps… Some, I chose not to engage, they still persist. One, I messaged back, because well, he was/is a friend, and once upon a time, I thought we were we were headed beyond that – guess he still gets a pass.
But, weeding out the distractions can be overwhelming. Especially when you saw yourself with one. I forget, this is the “Shoot Your Shot” era… I don’t even know what that really means. Why now do they reach out? Can they sense the loneliness. Can they sense that my heart is longing? Although it may be longing, doesn’t mean that I am quite ready. Nor does it mean that I am willing to settle for just anyone. One thing about me, on the front of dating, I am content on my own. Yes, it gets lonely, I won’t even lie. However, the plans I am making do not include anyone else. Just me, my children, and once they graduate – still just me. I am not living for another, or hopes that “God will send me someone.”
There is this elderly couple, I recently met. They are not content with me stating that I “do not date.” “Well, if the Lord sends you someone.” Yes, if the Lord sends someone, I placate them. But, it isn’t just them! Church people! Can’t a person just be single?! Is that so terrible? They look at me like with eyes full of pity and sympathy. As if I don’t know any better for myself. That doesn’t mean I’m broken! Plenty of people choose to stay single, or maybe it’s what God chooses for them? I don’t know. I don’t know what God has in store for me. I know that I won’t go against His will, I also know that it will take a whole lot to convince me to date/court/ marry. I have plans! My plans don’t include a man.
*As I typed this last paragraph, I received an IG follow request from a man that told my sister he “wishes he had married me.” My goodness! What is brewing in the atmosphere?!
On the Outside Looking In 