I find myself caught up in a swirl of emotions, and I am not quite sure how to deal with all of these feels. I don’t know where they are guiding me, or if I really want to venture down these paths. The mental health care worker in me says, “Embrace the emotions and allow them to guide me to a point. However remember that I am ultimately in control. I shouldn’t be afraid to explore where they will take me. There in lies my healing!” But I am not certain that I really want to do that right now. Feel stuff. I tried to forget about all that! Why feel it now?
The heart remembers what the head erased… What the head attempted to erase. Why, in this season of my life am I being reminded of the past so frequently? Things that I thought I had forgotten? Things that I thought I was over… I was sure I had moved past… Does this mean that I have not moved on? I feel like I have. But, why is there lingering hurt? What is the purpose? If there is a purpose for the pain – if there is a lesson for the pain – what is it? If it is compassion, do I not have that for him? I suppose not. I could have more. That’s a difficult one. It’s challenging to have compassion for one who never had an ounce of concern for you. And easier to forgive an enemy than a friend. *Ouch*
Why is that? How can we be so quick to give compassion and love to a stranger – yet it is so difficult to forgive someone who we once loved? It’s too much to forgive, or ask forgiveness from someone who we once called our best friend. Those with whom we were closest, we tend to have the most difficult time forgiving, and even apologizing. But we can easily forgive a stranger, with or without an apology. We are quick to apologize to a stranger – have to set things right! Don’t those with whom we are/ were closest/ intimate deserve so much more? At least the same courtesy. Yeah, okay, you expect more from your spouse, significant other, family member, and/ or friend… and?! What about you??? Do you hold yourself to any standards? And, I’m speaking to myself. Having held a grudge against my mother for months… years… I finally called her several weeks ago… When it occurred to me: Love covers a multitude of sins. I love my mom. Why hold a grudge? Why continue the grief? She screwed up. Sure. And we can move on from that. I screw up, all the time. So thankful God doesn’t hold my sins against me!
Somedays, today included, I just feel so discouraged. King David, when he was discouraged had to get up an encourage himself. I teach my kids a 10-seconds to less stress technique, for when they feel anxious. That includes: self-talk (which can look like one of the three statements above.), breathing (I like square breathing – in for four seconds, out for four seconds), and grounding (I scratch the inside of my palms). And that’s it! Sound easy enough, right? Why then do I stay so anxious sometimes? Because I forget to breathe! Sounds silly, right? Who forgets to breathe? This gal! I remember when I am forced to exhale because I am lightheaded, or I literally cannot breathe! Been that way since childhood…
I really have no complaints about the life I have lead up until now. The mistakes I made – the choices that brought us to where we are today. I am saddened sometimes. I try to avoid the “what if’s.” I try to avoid the pain of loneliness and longing. I don’t long for anyone. I long for that thing that I lost. You know, the closeness. The feeling of home. The sense of belonging. Having a person. When you have a person, you share your own language – without words. The first face you desire to see after a long day. The last face you want to see as your eyes flutter closed for the night. Although, there are nights you could stay awake all night just talking, because – well, that’s your best friend. When, your name on his lips is as sweet as a caress. You’ve reached a point in your love, he’s reached a place in your heart, beyond the norm… And yet, it came to an end? That intimacy is lost forever. You have never felt it again. You close yourself off for fear that you will never experience anything like it again. Better to preserve the memory, than fill your mind with disappointment after disappointment.
Love makes the world go ’round. Love is what feel for my children. Love is shared between husband and wife, couples, parent – child relationships, siblings, family, friends, and the list continues… But, what is love? We can’t see it. We can’t touch it. Webster’s defines it as: a deep feeling of intense affection or to feel a deep, romantic or sexual attachment to someone. For both the noun and verb, respectively. The definitions could very well describe a word other than Love in my opinion. Like, desire or lust. To define love, I feel like I can only describe the different types of love, and how they look… But, I’m not even sure I know what those are?! I’m no expert…
Now, here are the “States of Love.” I think I was on the cusp of most of these… I definitely did not know the names… I won’t go into it… As I said, I’m no expert, and this seems fairly direct.
Ah! The risk of loving again! I said that I would not… I closed my heart off. I avoid any semblance of that thing called love. I can fully admit that it is a fear of failure. Statistics tell me that that love isn’t for me. I am of a practical – logical mindset. Besides, when your heart has endured this much pain, in such a short amount of life, in order to lead a happy, long life, this is the path I have chosen for myself. I live for taking risks – I am an adrenaline junky! Just not with matters of the heart. Sure, maybe love exists. Maybe even for me. It just isn’t a risk I am willing to take.
I can truly say that the trials of my life have been downright painful. There were times I wanted to let go of everything. Times I just wanted to give up. Times I wanted to die. However, as the days passed, the pain lessened. What could this be? Do I have a glimmer of hope?! Along with my hope, without realizing it, I began to smile again! I began to laugh again. I did something that I had never done before! I started to get to know and love myself for the first time! With that came the greatest gift of all: JOY! I even loved others without restraint. Forgave easily. How liberating it is to bear no burdens, grudges, and truly love yourself, your neighbors, your enemies. How amazingly indescribable it feels to discover true happiness for the FIRST TIME in your life. Life is good. I’m happy – never thought I could say that and mean it! Haha!
I have “All The Feels” at the moment, as I don’t know where my feelings are leading me. I am torn. I am confused. I don’t want to feel. And, I hate being in this state. I’m sure it’s just a passing thing… I ignore it and it will go away. (DENIAL) I wonder what counteracts these things? (BARGAINING) Oh my, as I point out the stages of grief… Although, I’m not quite sure what I am grieving? You don’t necessarily lose something when you start to feel something for someone. However, in my case, I am breaking my vow to myself – or am I? I am not in a relationship, nor am I pursuing a relationship, taking steps to be in a relationship. What has me shocked is the ability to feel again. I didn’t think I could do that – I didn’t want to feel again. “But the heart wants what it wants.” Thank you Selena Gomez.
“Either you want to be with someone you like or you get angry because you keep thinking about that person.” ~Mother, 2018 Korean Drama
In any case, me and my feels… I don’t know if I will escape the torture of Love, Loss, and Living in Between… I do it to myself.
Images borrowed from Google.