I was driving home yesterday, and it is truly a miracle that I made it without getting into an accident, or killing someone – let alone myself. Allow me to explain, I was driving distracted, you see. Not the visible kind.
I wasn’t on my phone, wasn’t changing radio stations. No emailing per my usual – shameful, I’m working on it. I typically eat – gotta stay awake! Life with Narcolepsy… Anyway, I was totally consumed in my mind. Like, completely LOST in my thoughts!
Now, it took me 40-something minutes to get home, when it should have taken just under 30-minutes. I missed a few turns, and I didn’t know the route. Those factors, coupled with me being lost in my own head = recipe for DISASTER! I won’t tell the tales of all of the mistakes I made on the road yesterday – the ones to which I am actually aware, in any case…
What was on my mind? You ask, Pulling my attention away from the road, putting my life and the lives of others in danger? Here’s the kicker: I have no clue! I spent the final ten minutes after not stopping when a bus had it’s STOP sign up, and I drove right through it at a relatively high speed (yes, I am ashamed). I realized it after and stopped after! In the middle of the road! How embarrassing! Then, I spent the last ten minutes home, wondering, what have I been thinking about that I didn’t know how I got here? You know what I came up with? NOTHING! I was so drawn into my mind, that I lost myself, my thoughts and can’t find whatever it was…
If it’s not one thing it’s another… Such has been my pathetic excuse of a life lately… Sad.
I heard this song for the first time today… It’s called “Brokenness Aside” by Sons and Daughters. Absolutely beautiful! How often do we feel unworthy in the eyes of the Savior because we are sinners? But grace… That gift undeserved that NONE of us deserve. I find myself often thinking, “How can You love me, when I fail again and again. Will I reach a point where You no longer forgive me?” And in my questioning, in my feelings of unworthiness, I become broken.
In my brokenness, there are two directions I can go – two paths I can take: I can engross myself in my brokenness, and fall deep into a pit of despair. Or, I can give my brokenness to the One who mends broken hearts. He takes our brokenness aside and makes it beautiful! Oh, I just love that sentiment!
Life happens out of no where, you know? It just hits you like a ton of bricks, and knocks you down and out! Like, things were going great, or not. Things couldn’t possibly get any worse. And then they do. What sustains us? What keeps us? Not what but Who. When we don’t feel Him, when we don’t know He’s there – He is. For all of our doubts, our faults, our trials, He is faithful, even we are not.
Sometimes, I get so caught up, worrying about the created things, that I forget about the One who created everything. I worry about people, and what they think of me. As if their opinions really matter?! As if?! The One who created me, knows ALL of my faults and failures, and guess what? He still loves me! No pretenses. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. Even when I lie and sin, he is faithful and just to forgive me of all of that, so long as I ask forgiveness.
But, people… if did them wrong, knowingly or unintentionally, they might never forgive me, depending on the situation… People if they knew the mistakes I made, the battles I face, my shortcomings… Would they still love me? If they saw my brokenness, would they turn their backs on me? A phrase we tell ourselves, and I pray we don’t tell others: It’s not that bad. It’s time to move on (AKA: Get over it already.) I have heard these phrases from others… For myself, in that moment, enduring that pain, it was that bad. Each person had a process to endure. The process looks different from person-to-person. The time varies as well. Some trials take longer than others to endure. Support from friends and loved ones through difficult times is more than welcome – it is necessary.
I also know that there are times in life, when it is just you and your God. At least it feels that way. Sure, you have friends, you have family. But, in your brokenness, you really cannot share your true self with anyone. Is it a lack of trust? Is it a fear of betrayal? You want to reach out, but the words, the words never come – besides, everyone is facing some battle, who has time to listen to you? Perhaps this is your plight. Maybe it’s just mine. Put a positive spin on it, smile, and endure the pain.
Pain doesn’t last always. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Sometimes the night seems infinite. Perhaps it isn’t that. We know that the sun will rise each morning. That should give us hope. I would rather think of it like this, if the “night” seems unending, like it has been for me at times… Knowing that the sun rises each day, and unlike the song, I still don’t have joy.
Maybe, I am on a journey. One of my previous posts mentioned a gal in a tunnel… I have thought about that… The symbolism of being in a tunnel, I even saw in a KDrama – Because This is My First Life – and I have to think there is something to it. Not only that, but something to the light at the end of the tunnel cliché… Only, it isn’t quite a cliché, is it? There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel. For me, I have to remember to keep moving forward, because when I stop, the darkness and despair consume me. Turning back is not an option, eventually, I will have to endure the journey through this tunnel. Grateful for the lights on the walls along the way, and I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Images borrowed from Google.
On the Outside Looking In 