Late Night… Early Morning Thoughts – I Should Be Sleeping?

Ever since I returned from Afghanistan at the end of 2012, weekends have been the most difficult time for me. These are the loneliest moments I face. Even when I was remarried, I spent most weekends alone – even when we weren’t on the verge of divorce… Although it would appear that we spent the majority of our marriage “on the verge of divorce.”

I had a conversation with someone the other day – and I recall my mother likening her divorce from my dad, like death. Mom said she was grieving. It’s really like that… You really grieve. The sad part is, although that person for whom you are grieving is alive and well, walking God’s green earth, somewhere, living life, someplace – Reality is, it isn’t with you.

In my case, I didn’t receive closure in either relationship. I take that back – I finally had a conversation with my children’s father a couple years ago… Before that conversation, the grieving process was prolonged. As for the second, until I learned to truly let go, times were tough – the first time. It’s really like a piece of you dies, when the relationship dies – ends. I wanted to die as well. I went through some really difficult times. Some days are still difficult – as is the grieving process, hits you out of no where, even after you have accepted the death of the relationship, you are reminded of a moment, or a scent sends you down memory lane… or a song

But, closure is essential – for both parties, I think, but mainly for self. For the second divorce, my last conversation, we saw each other in person to exchange vehicles, I was on guard – which means abrasive. I was also convicted immediately. I sent an email, following that meeting, apologizing, and thanking him for the times we had together, and wishing him the best. I didn’t want to do that, but I needed to do it. It felt right.

I came across a blogpost, and it outlined the top four reasons why people blog… I think some of the reasons included: to make a difference (political agenda), photo journal or share experiences, chronicle travels (maybe), networking (maybe), I think this one made me laugh – because they are narcissistic and only want to speak about themselves… I wonder if that’s where mine fits *gasp* Not my intention by any means! I blog as an extension of the journals that I no longer have time to write. I have kept them since I was 6, 7, 8 years old? (Somewhere in there.) My last husband would rip up my journal each time I wrote in it, so I stopped writing completely. When he left me in 2015, I began blogging to work through my emotions. No one could take my words away – no one could rip them up. I found, and still find blogging to be therapeutic. I enjoy the community of bloggers, reading others’ posts, learning, being encouraged…

I was awoken early Saturday morning, with a gentleman that I sort of know on my mind. I prayed for him. My mind was brought to a scar on one of his forearms. How did it get there? I wonder? Self-inflicted? I hope not. I pray if it was, you never get to that point again. I almost called him Saturday morning. Then, I didn’t. We aren’t close. Then, I almost sent a text message – again, I didn’t, we aren’t close. I just prayed. I tell my kids: When you can’t sleep, pray. If someone pops into your mind, pray for them. Even if I don’t know what the need, I pray for them…

I have gone through some older posts… I published one privately, but in it I said something that I wish I had written, and placed everywhere! So I would not forget the words (stupid memory – I’ve been meaning to do a blogpost on having a poor memory, but I can never remember! The irony of it all.) Okay, where was I? The words I wish I hadn’t forgotten… How many posts have I written whining about not having friends? Too many! Well, in this privately published post (not sure why I did that?) I had a realization that rather than friends, I would be surrounded with family. How is this possible when my “family is scattered and doesn’t quite get along?” Oh, it’s possible! I actually privately published another blogpost just the other day: Finding my Family. It needs some work. Once I am happy with the way it’s written, I’ll open it up. I had published it, then had second thoughts, and hid it… (Am I the only one who does this?) In any case, I have been blessed with Mothers and Fathers who care for me and advise me. Sisters and Brothers that pray with me. And although they are older, they genuinely love me. I don’t think I have ever experienced love like this – where nothing is expected in return. I had prayed to be loved like I love – and this is how I am being loved!

My heart is full. I am content. When I battle, I am not alone. I have my godmother, whom I can text, or call. My just one, who is also my sister. A new relationship that has developed over time, that is more like a big sister/little sister relationship – with a woman so wise, though she is not aged in years. Family. I am being surrounded with family.

I lean on the Lord to give me comfort and meet my every need. I lack for nothing. I don’t feel empty. I don’t long for that companionship like I used to long. I am full. I’m sure there will be moments where I will miss those things again. But, for now, the Lord, my children, and this new extended family is more than enough. I will just keep serving. I will just keep relying on my King to be my everything.

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