Incompletely Complete

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What does it mean to be whole? Where does that feeling of completeness derive? You won’t find it in a relationship. You won’t find it in another person. So, if you have spent your entire life feeling incomplete, how do you transition to a state of completion?

There’s one thing to be an outsider looking at someone else’s relationship, another to look back on a past relationship – as we know, hindsight is 20/20. Still, to live our life, in the moment, and do what it takes, to put in the continuous effort and work to live our lives well, whole, and dare I say it: complete. How do you remain, or achieve a state of completion in a current relationship if you entered into the relationship incomplete?

Well, if I know anything, the only source of completion is Christ. My personal experience (as one that entered into a second marriage, immediately following the divorce of my high school sweetheart, and father of my children) is that if you look for someone to fill a void within you, both parties will be unhappy. And quite frankly, it’s unfair to you and the other person. He, suffering with mental health illness, expected me to fix it – he thought a relationship was a solution to suicidal thoughts and behaviors. He was wrong. I also could not do what he desired, he needed professional assistance, and refused. What a toxic relationship, right? It was, and then some.

It took me until November 2016 to pause, and realize, I have never really loved myself. This was a turning point for me. I had read a quote that said: We teach others to love us the way we ought to be loved. (Or something like that.) And I thought, no way! I had two abusive husbands! Both were cheaters, both left me. How did I teach them to do that? My parents can take me or leave me… I’m loyal. I’m caring, I’m giving. I’d love me! I’d love me… I don’t love me.

I didn’t feel worthy of love. I’ve made mistakes, I started there. No, no, no. It’s deeper than that, go further. I began to peel away layer upon layer of my “unworthiness” and I realized there is One who loves me. There is One who’s opinion of me matters. There is One, if I could just find my worth in Him, I would find myself worthy. I was drawn to the parable of the Prodigal Son. Heard it growing up, knew it. But, this time, I really read it for myself. I really grasped the grace and love of God. I found myself worthy. “Lord, let me see me through Your eyes.”

Standing there in all my incompleteness, giving my all to the One, and allowing Him to love me. I made a vow to myself before heaven, I would not get wrapped up with the idea of “relationship.” I have admittedly been on a few dates, I have had a few crushes, but I always bring myself back. I am so close to feeling complete, but I know that I am not there yet.

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