I was driving home today, listening to the radio. A song that I must have heard so0o many times came on: Tenth Avenue North’s, No Man is an Island. “I wish you never thought you had to go, I wish you never thought you had to leave! Together we can lift each other up, we can build a shelter for the weak!” Listening to those lyrics I thought of my ex, I thought why did you think you had to go? Why did you have to leave? I thought of my godmother’s words, You have such a sweet spirit. You carry your past with you, but I can see you’re working through it, and you’re almost past it. I considered the notion that just as you are about to breakthrough, things are toughest. Like, right now. Last Saturday night, I cried myself to sleep questioning God, “Why did You tell me my marriage was over?! Why did it have to end? Why do I have to be alone like this? I’d rather have the abuse and pain, than be alone like this. This hurts too much.” Wow, from where did that arise? I don’t truly feel that way… I am over it – over him. Right?
The night is darkest before the sun rises…
A thought occurred to me, in a world that is so black and white, I live in the mirky gray, and shine brilliant hues of yellow. (Sometimes, anyway.) So, I actually paused for awhile and took one of those personality quizzes that I had seen on Facebook to see what my “personality color” is… You’ll never guess!
YELLOW!!!! I always say that I’m a yellow, in jest, who knew?! Yellow is even my favorite color! It has to do with that kiddie movie, Inside Out, Joy was yellow… In my desire to exude joy, I have embraced yellow.
Borrowed from Google Images…
I am not always full of joy. In fact, this week, I have been anything but joyful. This week has been tough! Different individuals I have spoken with, different Facebook posts I have read, it seems as though this has been a challenging week for many… How difficult it is to push past your circumstances and grasp ahold of your joy sometimes! Words my Pastor told me, Protect your joy at all costs.
I carry so much of my past with me. It is true that I am working through those things. As I teach my son to let things go, I must also learn to let go. Won’t life be much happier? Will I no longer feel like giving up? Will I stop wishing to throw in the towel? Will the desire to quit vanish? How is it that you try, try, try – You toil with all of your might… Still, it’s one step forward, three steps backward.
In my present state, I have so many depending on me, yet I am concerned with the one. I simply can’t seem to maintain the one I’m supposed to be able to manage. This battle is tough. If I should just let go of everything else… Will I be able to manage? I am supposed to leave it all in the hands of the One who can handle it all. Yet, I carry it all. Someone once told me that my shoulders must be so sore, carrying what isn’t meant for me to carry… I wanted to say: You don’t understand what I’m going through! I held my tongue. As I pondered the words.
Sure, things have happened, and I am not meant to carry those things. I was never meant to keep them with me. I survived those things. They helped to define me, helped to work compassion in me. That compassion that I am so desperately seeking – I have it, I have only to exercise it. Those things that were done to me, that I am not meant to carry, are apart of my story, of which I can use to help others. Those things that I am not meant to carry, didn’t they prove the love of God, His grace, forgiveness? That I might not take those for granted, and might extend them to others. Yeah, many were the lessons I gained. So, why am I still carrying the pain? It’s time to let go of the pain.
At the center of depression, is me, my, mine. To escape that dirty, sad cycle, I must step outside of that sick comfort zone. I cannot carry what is not mine to carry. If I can be of any assistance to anyone, those things that drag us down, we have to release them to the One that can shoulder the burden. There are friends that have been there that can help us through our darkest days, our toughest times… We have to reach out, despite the desire to isolate… No man is an island…
On the Outside Looking In 