I Did the Un-Thinkable

The dreaded question of, “What are you doing this weekend?” 

A couple weekends ago, I had it ALL figured out! I was going to a baseball game with a friend/ former co-worker, whom I hadn’t seen in ages. Then, I was turning around and going to yet another baseball game with my kiddos the next day. Opening weekend for Major League Baseball. 

“I have a weekend full of church and baseball.” I told my interrogator. 

“Oh, are you going alone?” Smugness written all over that face, but why, you just met me?

“No,” why am I explaining myself to you? “I am meeting a friend for Saturday’s game, then taking my kids on Sunday. I do things alone – I’ve just never been to a game alone.” 

It’s sort of true. I go to the park alone – at least I used to. I go to the grocery store alone – sometimes, when I’m not having my groceries delivered. I heard tell that going to a baseball game was not that bad. I heard tell that taking oneself to dinner is kind of nice as well…

In my gut, I think I knew it all along… Is that why I was late? Is that why I missed out on my Bobblehead *sad face*?  She didn’t show. I went to the game. I endured the baseball game, alone. 

It didn’t kill me. It was maybe a tad awkward initially. But, I love baseball. I overcame a fear of mine. I did the unthinkable – for me. And, tonight, I enjoyed yet another baseball game on my own, in a better seat. It’s the little things. 

Before the game, I told myself: “I’m going to date myself… I mean, I love myself after all, I am content being alone. Why should I wait to enjoy life for friends, kids, a significant other? I have the kids every other weekend, and we get our fill of baseball or whatever they fancy… Now that the weather is better, I see the beach in their, and my future. I am pleased with myself. Little-by-little I am living again.

I have no plans to be with another. I know that the kids are growing older. In order to not go into some weird mid-life crisis, or debilitate completely, I should enjoy life. It’s time to move on. I am going to revisit my “40 Things To Do Before I’m 40 List.” Some items can be checked off. Some may need to be revised. I am happy to be alive, I think for the first time in a very long time.

I am happy with my relationship with God. I am happy with my kiddos and our relationships. I am happy in my new career. I am happy with myself. I feel as though I have a defined purpose. If only I could figure out where I am supposed to be. Something inside of me seems to be calling me someplace else, I just don’t know where that is. Where I am, I want to stay, but why does it feel as though I am fighting to stay? Oh well, not this post…”

Now, after the game, I may have some adjustments to my original thoughts. Somethings are meant to be shared. I remembered from the first alone game that when we scored a home run, there was no one with whom to celebrate… No high fives! No one with whom to chat when the refs make a terrible call, or there’s my boyfriend! Or, play the trivia games. I love the games! But, they’re kind of lonely alone… How could I forget that from the first game?

Perhaps it was because I am a glass half-full kind of gal. I block out the negative, focus on the positive, in that strength-based way. Perhaps I am trying to prove to someone(?) – maybe even myself – that I don’t need anyone, that I can make it on my own. But, we aren’t designed that way. Everyone needs at least one other person. Not everyone will be married, but we all need a friend. I am such an introvert, finding a friend is the most challenging thing in the world for me! My exes were my friends. My siblings are my friends. (None of my siblings live near.) My childhood friends, have we all lost contact? Well, aren’t they all in Florida? My Army friends, aren’t they all male? Coworkers – let’s not go down that road. Life is tough…

I may do another game alone. But, hopefully I can find a friend who likes baseball? Where do you find those?!