On Pause in the Hold

I do my best not to compare myself with others. Aren’t we all unique? Aren’t we all walking our own paths? Each journey unique to each individual.

But what happens when you are in that place in between? You know the place, where you aren’t quite where you used to be, and you haven’t yet reached your destination. This void, I call, THE HOLD.

I found myself in THE HOLD. I have seen others enter and exit THE HOLD during my time in THE HOLD. I had only to wonder, why am I still here? How could they come here after me and leave before me? Yes, even I muttered the infamous words, “it’s not fair.” What do I know?! (I need not compare myself to others – what do I really know of their path? Nothing! I should focus on myself.)

Then, as if I being in THE HOLD isn’t bad enough, I found myself ON PAUSE in THE HOLD. Someone wake me up from this nightmare! Has everything seriously stopped right here?!

I remember hearing someone say something akin to: Sometimes that thing that you have been seeking is right there in front of your face, you just have to reach out and grab it.

Lights glaring! Sirens blaring! I get it! I get it! You see, I have been in THE HOLD, not finding my way out, ON PAUSE in THE HOLD because I couldn’t find my way out, when the answer was right in front of me all along. I had only to reach out, grab ahold, and step through the door.

So, just what was my HOLD? Fear, bitterness, unforgiveness, doubt. Just as I would make progress, it was like one step forward, three steps backward – something was always there to HOLD me back and knock me down. I just couldn’t figure it out. I would get that promotion at work! But, then the program shut down. Then, “Jessy, we need you to do what you were doing before.” Then, “Jessy, your position has been eliminated, you saw that on the updated org chart, right? We’ll find something for you.” Lord says leave. They almost let me leave. HR says, “take some time, look for another position within the organization.” I flirted with the idea. Speak with the recruiter. HR says, “no, I want you to wait until the last minute, we aren’t trying to get rid of you yet.” Umm… you could have let me leave when I quit, however in this way, I receive my pto. Blessing in disguise. This was fear of what will happen if I no longer have a job? Doubt – God are you with me in this valley? Was leaving this job the right decision?

More of my personal experience in THE HOLD, and if you follow my blogs, you know I went through some dark, and lonely days. Though in my heart, I at least said I forgive this person or that, something remained. Residue of past hurt. Residue that I did not know was there. Wasn’t I over this? NO. Did that really effect me? YES! Did I know or realize these truths? Not at all! In fact it took a Series of Unfortunate Events to open my eyes to this realization. However, the events weren’t so unfortunate. You see, they pointed me to the root of THE HOLD and also the GREAT ESCAPE!

The GREAT ESCAPE from THE HOLD had been right there, in front of my face all along. I just hadn’t recognized it. I couldn’t see it. In a previous post, I said how it took me over 30 years to finally learn to love myself and find my worth. I wasn’t lying or exaggerating! That’s real talk! I found my worth through my Father. After turning this way and that, I remembered my foundation… When I was a young girl, that’s where I turned. Prayer is what got me through the abuse. My natural parents didn’t love me the way a little girl needs her parents to love her. I believe they did what they knew to do, and this was their best. My heavenly Father loved me – loves me, and this is more than enough! I remember the first time I felt Him wrap His arms around me… My parents would tell everyone I had imaginary friends, I did have an imaginary cat once, but I would sit and talk to God as a little girl, I knew that He loved me, I knew that He cared. They made me pray all the time anyway! I could just talk to Him. I used to imagine that He was just sitting in my room with me, grounded too, I suppose – He was everywhere. But, after all these years, I have learned to depend on Him again. All of the heartache, all of the trials, have led me to this point. And you know what? I wouldn’t trade any part of my life for anything! I don’t make any decisions without consulting my Father first. His opinion matters! I am nothing without Him. My life amounts to nothing without Him.

This is the reason why, when He told me to leave that job, with nothing lined up, and I was not prepared, nor ready to leave, nor did I want to leave. I said, Yes Lord. When He told me to take a temporary position, in a field with which I never worked before, I said, Yes Lord. Although, I wanted to ask, Are you sure? The way things turned out, I love the new career path, have a permanent position, and I am closer to home!

Then, wasn’t it finally having that conversation, me reaching out, saying those words, that allowed the space to not only truly let go, but to be free? Those experiences of humbling myself before the very people that caused me pain, erased what residue of bitterness I didn’t realize remained. How liberating the feeling, to say, “I love you,” and mean it, to worship and there are no traces of unforgiveness or bitterness, emotions I didn’t realize existed. It was this act, that propelled me out of THE HOLD. I didn’t even notice initially. One day, I was just walking around on higher ground, I felt the sun on my face. This is new. This is joyful. I felt myself moving forward, beyond the still. No longer the unworthiness. No longer the doubt. There was LIBERTY! Yes, the answer – the way out was there all along, I had only to listen, obey.

Now, I am in a place where I am dependent solely on my Father. He supplies my every need. He is my Comfort. He is my Protector. He is my Provider. He is my Calm in the storm. He is my Way maker. He is my Light in the darkness. He is my Joy. He is truly my Everything. There is no greater feeling. I am truly overjoyed.

We each have our own HOLDs. I have overcome THE HOLD for this season. There may be another – there will be another. One thing I feel fairly confident about, I have gone waaaaay back, to the root of some OLD things and cleared them up. They no longer have a HOLD on me. To no longer bear the weight of the past, now that truly is freeing!