If I Could Go Back…

If I could go back, ten years in time, there are so many things I would tell my 21-year old self. I wish I could tell that naive little girl, to enjoy the children more while they were young. I will tell her to get all the hugs and kisses, because time would truly fly by, one day in 1st grade, a little boy you call your Mr. Man won’t want you to hug him in front of his friends. That will destroy your little world. It’s kind of like that Kenny Chesney song I loved so much, “Don’t Blink.”

I would tell myself not to have that tubal ligation, it was just a waste of time – who knew I would end up pregnant after that? I sort of thought that doctor was a quack… I would tell myself that you are stronger than you think. You’ll make mistakes, but none that you can’t overcome. I would tell myself to learn to speak up. Don’t hide, it will cost me what I desire and love most in the end. Well, even if I speak up, I will still likely lose it, but at least I know I tried.

I would tell myself to be quick to forgive, slow to get upset – as a matter of fact, JUST CHILL! Just like the soaps I loved, we only have, “One Life to Live.” This life is short, but honey, this life is oh-so-beautiful! And, because I am you, allow me to say, my 21-year-old self, you are beautiful too. I would say to that young girl, live! Laugh, smile, the kids deserve a happy mama, and you deserve to be happy as well! Cast all your cares upon Christ, because 21-year old me, please look around and see, He cares for us. 

If I could but impress upon my 21-year-old self to love herself, see her beauty, slow down and enjoy life, be quick to forgive, and just relax, my work would be complete. My life would potentially be different. I would not go back in time, and tell my 21-year-old self to stay away from this guy, or avoid that thing, or this event is going to happen. If my 21-year-old self learned to love herself, saw her own beauty, learned to forgive, and was anxious for nothing, life would inevitably be different than the one I am leading now.

But, is that what I want? Wow, the very thought just brought tears to my eyes! I took the hard road, but I don’t regret any step of the way. Each step I have taken, each memory made – good and bad – have shaped me into the person I am today. Perhaps, if I could go back ten years, I would simply observe my 21-year-old self. Remember how I was, compared to where I am today, thankful for the lessons life has taught me. Maybe, I would hug her, and just tell her, it’s going to be okay. Maybe that would be enough. My life is far from perfect. I am a work in progress, but I am enjoying every minute that the Lord has blessed me with breath.

I never expected as a child that I would grow up to be married with children. I have three beautiful children! How can it be? No longer married, the story has been told… Grateful to have “loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” I don’t know if I will ever love again. How I fall in and out of “like” with the same man – it’s beyond me. But the Lord knows. My godfather told me on Monday, “(I) have a whole lot living ahead of me. Don’t discount what the Lord might do – how He might bless me.” Maybe I need 41 or 51-year-old me to come talk to me! Haha! *Smile*

As much as I dislike a mystery, I suppose as of late, they have grown on me… A good thing, this thing called LIFE is the greatest mystery of all. No flipping to the end, and reading backwards to discover what happens, we just have to go along for the ride. 

*Picture is more like 8 years old… But who’s counting… Ten years ago, I was pregnant. Not posting those pictures!


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