You know, rejection is a powerful tool. If you have ever experienced any type of rejection – from early in life, then to have your negative internal dialogue reinforced by any real, or imagined, rejection into your adulthood, you will understand what I am saying. Don’t worry, I’ll elaborate.
As a child, rejection, although I didn’t know it, came early, and came from both of my parents. I was not alone in this rejection, my siblings were rejected in their own ways – although my young self could not see it, and theirs is not my story to tell. In any case, the rejection felt by my parents turned into an internal dialogue of, I am not lovable, even God can’t love me.
As I grew into my adolescent years, I had friends, I was popular – I was a mean girl. But for some people still wanted to be my friend. I didn’t get it. They want something from me. Don’t let them get too close, they will hurt me if they really know me. I had one friend, I let get close. It was a push-pull relationship. She survived. I don’t know how, or why. We still keep in contact to this day. She accepted me, for my faults, my bad days and good. My mom had things to say about her – I chose to ignore…
Into my teenage/ adulthood, dating. I married my high school sweetheart. He was my first boyfriend. Even as my boyfriend, he was mean. Why was I surprised when he became violent? My internal dialogue had an epiphany: I was placed on this earth to suffer at the hands of those whom I love the most. There solidifying my feelings of worthlessness, unlovable, I know God hears people – but He doesn’t hear me.
As life continued, and I continued to “serve my distorted purpose.” One day I began to cry out to God, the pain too much to bear. My children… It’s one thing to endure pain and hardships for yourself, but what Mother sits back and willingly allows her children to see, to become… I remember the first time I felt Him wrap His arms around me! You love me?! A question. A statement. An understanding. Growing up in the church, my whole life, hearing, “Jesus loves you.” Not ever thinking that applied to me. For the first time, I felt, Jesus loves me. Like the Bible tells me so.
It didn’t last long. Because life. You know how it goes. But, more and more, I felt His love. I wasn’t alone. I began to fall in love with Him. But things worsened at home. I put God on the back burner, focused on the family. Because, I could save us on my own! Then, the memory, I was placed here to suffer at the hands of those I love the most, and now my daughter… Because life continued to happen to us, in ways we could not understand or control, my husband took a job in Georgia. We moved. Bought a house. Knowing no one, nothing, just left. Hoping for a new start. Life there was awful! We had to get out of there!
Military. My husband couldn’t join. So I raised my hand. Best decision I ever made. Oh, but wait, I was 24 when I joined. You’re old. You’ve had kids. You can’t do it. I also hadn’t been away from the kids – I was a stay-at-home mom. You’re a terrible mother, leaving your children. I wanted to quit every day. Then a female drill sergeant said something to me that I will never forget, You are doing this for your babies. Who else but the military will make sure that you have a guaranteed paycheck on the 1st and 15th, food and housing? You better be strong for those babies. I made it through Basic and AIT – even deployment, clinging to those words.
How life happens to us all… I am so happy that I heeded that Drill Sergeant’s words… Who knew that a 2012 deployment would find me a 2013 divorcée and single mother. But guess what! I always had housing, food, and a guaranteed paycheck on the 1st and 15th. With the help of my sister for a season, we survived.
I remarried. We were bad for each other. You aren’t supposed to have regrets in life. If I have any, it would have been marrying that man, although I was not healed from my first husband. That was not fair to him. I will not take all of the blame for why our marriage did not work, but I own that. My only word to sum up our relationship: Abandonment.
Isn’t being abandoned every woman’s biggest fear? It’s the scariest thing in the world! To have the man in your life just not come home. For a night, weekend, two weeks, six months, then he’s gone for good. Now, I wish I could say this was a progression. But, no. It began as weekends here and there, no husband. I let it go. So desperate to not be alone, that I scarcely realized how alone I truly was. When he left for six months, I nearly died! I wanted to… I couldn’t function! Thankfully, my job was understanding of this tearful gal… I even sent the kids to live with Dad for the summer, while I was weekend Mom. (Weekends were the most challenging.)
But God. I found my way to a church, thanks to my Angel Baby Boy. I began to fall in love with Jesus. That didn’t fix everything. There was still a fight. I began to heal, even was okay being alone. Swapped with Dad, we went back to normal programming with the kids. But then! A phone call, I miss us. Be still my heart, is this You, Lord? Are You giving Him back to me? Nope, he used me, disappeared for two months. Then, a text message, I don’t want the divorce. Followed by a call. Can we meet? We aren’t meant to be divorced. I love you, blah blah blah… My fragile heart is TORN. He said ALL the right things. I call my Dad for advice – for the answer. Dad speaks a language foreign to me, “Is he sincere?” Probably not, just tell me what to do! “I don’t know, Daddy.” “Then, you need to pray about it, and discover if he is sincere. There is no rush.” I didn’t listen. He left me six months after that for good. And served me divorce papers. I was yet again, abandoned.
However, this time, I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel worthless. The same friends that were there for me the first time, were there for me – but that wasn’t it… I had given of myself fully and completely to God. You know He truly will fulfill your heart and give you a peace that surpasses all understanding. I had some challenging days, I shed some tears, but in the midst of that, I had peace. I didn’t pray for my spouse to come back, I prayed His will be done, because He makes all things perfect.
I did not expect to be divorced. And, it hurt. I had to seek Godly council… But, in it, He is still perfecting me, and I see His handiwork even throughout the early days of my life. I see His unending grace and love on my life. I’ve been through the mud, then through water, thank God, I came out clean! All because, He makes all things Beautiful.