It just takes one minuscule occurrence to thrust us back to a time and place that we have no business revisiting. So why did I allow my mind to go back there? Why am I sitting here in this smelly jacket? I actually kept this jacket… Why?
Even I don’t have the answers to my own questions. I’m moving. I know that much. I’m going through absolutely everything and cleaning everything out, because: You can’t take old baggage to a brand new home! Okay, so some baggage is not that easy to rid yourself of… Or so I am finding out. Some things you just want to hold onto a little while longer. What’s that about, really? This is a really nice jacket, much too large for me. Why do I have it? Why did I put it on? It smells like it’s been sitting for years… (Because it has!) I tell myself I will wear it until I’m done typing this post, then, I’m going to toss it! Not even donate it, because I may not take it off… I may keep it. I can’t keep it. I really should donate it. But then, what if I see someone wearing it… It’s a one-of-a-kind jacket, I purchased it from overseas… I was so proud… But, I’m beyond this. I’m over it… Why then, did it bring tears to my eyes? Why did I have to stop watching the K-Drama that was on in the background as I packed? Why did I have have to put the stupid jacket on, because I can’t seem to take it off.
The brain – memory is a funny thing. We can know that a situation was awful. We can remember all the terrible, hateful things a person did to us, said to us – yet we also remember that one time, how they made us feel… And that feeling trumps all the times we felt worthless, or like we wanted to die, or were abused or felt like giving up… Nope, because that one time we felt loved. Gosh, don’t we deserve more than that? I mean Christ loves us unconditionally. His love comes without regard to us. His love is not based on anything we can do, anything we can give, He just LOVES us, so much so, that He died for us. My Lord. Yet, here I sit in this smelly jacket, reminiscing and tearing up over a memory of a man that could not love me.
It’s time to remove the jacket. Time to let go. Where I had thought I had let go – maybe I hadn’t let go completely. Where I thought I had put it in God’s hand, I see that I kept my hand on it, never fully trusting God to heal my hurts completely. It’s been over two years since he left without a word. It’s been over four since we did not truly live as husband and wife – I cannot remember the sound of his voice or even his face if I don’t see a picture to remind me. It’s far and few that I think of him… It’s not even him that I’m thinking of – it’s that feeling as I sit here in this smelly jacket.