You Don’t Say

What do you say before you open your mouth?

I often wonder this of myself… What do I speak before I even speak? Do my eyes convey love, in all sincerity? Is my face gentle, inviting, and serene? Is my smile – am I smiling – charming, genuine, kind? Is my posture open, non-threatening, calm?

Look a little deeper…

Is my light shining or is it a little dim? Have I tried to hide it or cover its brilliance? Why am I afraid? Has my smile faded or is it fake and forced? What did I allow to steal my joy – can they see? Have I pushed everyone away, all in the name of anger, depression, isolation? What was the cause, when all I really want is to not be alone. Do I appear graceful or graceless? Inside I am just a mess, trying to fake it ’til I make it, feeling less than worthy, but offering my best.

Please, don’t peel away this mask, you see. Because, what I say, or don’t say, before I even speak depends on how well you know me. It also depends on how well you see me. Maybe it changes day-to-day. Some days are good, some days are – .

In this current season, I am perplexed at even myself. As one who wears her heart on her sleeve and her every emotion on her face and in her eyes, I am well aware that I say more with my face and eyes than with my words. For the words that never come, for the thoughts that form and I am unable to ever communicate, for the emotions felt that I cannot allow myself to speak aloud – my face and eyes tell the tale without my ever uttering a word. (This can be a very dangerous thing – for me.) Because, in this season, words seem to escape me and my emotions are foreign to even myself. My face reacts quicker than my brain can seem to process and provide the words.

In this current season, as I am in the midst of a rebalance that has led to a transition. I am forced to submit to His will, and stop trying to find a way out – or a way to compromise. When I want to hide the change in me, it’s like, the more noticeable it has become for all to see. Funny how, when you’ve been changed, even when you try to hide it, you simply cannot go back to the places you used to go – not the same way, anyway. You can’t even have the same conversations that you used to have – your interests change as well. Yeah, things are different now.

As I am gaining my footing in this rebalancing, and heading in the right direction, I can’t hide the fact that I’m also changing. Well, why would I want to? It’s almost like trying to hide my light. The work that is being done in my life – of that I am not ashamed!

With all of this being said, tell me, what do say before you even open your mouth to speak?