“You know, you encourage me!”
Why do words like this seem to always surprise me and catch me off guard – especially when they come from someone older? I don’t do much of anything. I am actually not sure if I do anything praise worthy at all… But, if you say that I encourage you, who am I to argue? In all truth, I really want to ask, “Really? How?” But I don’t, for fear of appearing vain… Tell me more, as my head blows up like a balloon. (Please note the sarcasm, this is not at all the case.)
Why do we doubt ourselves? Our self-doubt causes us to second guess everyone else. We second guess their compliments, second guess any good deed towards us, as if we don’t deserve these things and so much more. We must eradicate doubt, because we are worth so much more than we give ourselves credit! How can we belittle ourselves and the awesome feats we accomplish? I am not saying this to be boastful, but we can sometimes pat ourselves on the back. Because, yeah, you studied really hard and earned that passing grade! You worked really hard and deserve that promotion! You’ve been eating healthy and exercising for months, congratulations on meeting your fitness goal! These are three personal examples… I will give examples of others complimenting me and how I responded… Self-doubt – I was unable to take a compliment… I’m better now.
- Great job on that assignment! I should have studied harder, then maybe I would have gotten a perfect score.
- Congratulations on your promotion! I feel like _____ deserved it instead of me.
- Wow! I can tell you’ve been working out. I’m not where I want to be yet.
Just shameful. Our self-talk is so important in shaping our identity – our self-worth.
Past/Present
Have you ever been in a state that it’s tough to keep moving forward? What put you there? Can you even pinpoint one event? For me at this current place I’m in – a will to do what’s right, when it seems as though everything is crashing around me – I find myself fighting the ghosts of the past, along with giants of the present.
Why do the ghosts of the past creep up on me when the going gets tough? Or is the going tough because the ghosts of the past have joined forces with the giants of the present and the monsters under the bed? I don’t really have an answer to this.
Situations, people, hurts I thought I was over – I thought I had moved past… Creeping up to rob me of my good day, or triggered by this or that. When will it end? Giants of the present season seem inescapable. I must endure this. Sure, it will all be worth it in the end, but at what cost? I persevere, I go on… I tell myself that I am doing a great job! One more day down! You made it! Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
In my mind, I know not to look to the past. There is destruction there. My present? Well, I don’t want to talk about it. The future? I’ve never enjoyed a mystery, however when all you have is hope… Let the mystery ensue! I have only to move forward, forward, forward… I don’t know what I am moving towards, but I am going to continue to move forward…
On some random day, in some random way, the beasts that seem to harm, the beasts that are within, the beasts that are without, will become smaller and smaller… The mountains will once again become little ant hills. The past will take its rightful place in my memory. The present will become as its namesake. The future will remain a pleasant mystery.
Journey
This journey through life is full of transitions. Where I thought I was riding the wave, I got washed up on the shore in the undertow, after being wiped out. My mom used to say, “I’m up getting up.” I never quite understood that phrase… Maybe I do now, I’m still recovering from that wipeout – maybe it wasn’t a complete wipeout? But, as I get back up, I realize that I hadn’t been knocked so far down. Self-talk…
My self-image is improving. My disposition is as well. I’m not quite where I want to be, but I am well on my way. Trusting God to lead me. Trusting Him to guide me.
On the Outside Looking In 