“Sometimes we don’t know we’re dreaming; we can’t even fathom that we’re asleep.” ~Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts
“I feel like I have to actually act like an adult,” I said to my children, full of dread and disgust, about a month ago. I had come to realize that in this new transition, the adults in my life were a little bit different. Even the adults younger than I appeared to be much more mature. “You’re a pillar.” I was told. I thought about it… I have been at this thing for over 26 years… Guess that makes me a pillar? But, aren’t pillars old? Then, I remembered my Youth Leader aging out at 35… I’m only a few years away from 35… No longer a young adult?
“I think I’m actually beginning to feel like an adult, as I heal and work through things!” I said to my children, full of excitement, earlier last week. Those supportive kiddos all agreed! Me, who was never going to grow up, may actually be blossoming into beautiful adulthood. It isn’t half bad! I have goals. I have dreams. Most of all, I’m still me! I think I thought I would lose a piece of me – being all mature and such. But, no, I am gaining, more than anything, and learning, and growing.
“Everyone needs someone. Everyone needs a friend.”
Those words moved me to tears. Why am I reacting this way? I didn’t dare let the tears fall. I held them at bay. I did my best to remind myself of the friends I do have – and Jesus has me everyday! A “thought” on friendship, to exaggerate how lonely I am? I am content – most days. I have friends, but no close friend.
You know, sometimes, we wear our brokenness/hurt like a badge of honor. Sometimes we lug it around like a ball and chain. Sometimes it’s an odor to which we have become nose blind, but everyone else can smell the putrid stench of our pain that we try to mask with the perfume of everything’s okay.
I did not realize that my hurt was so apparent. I thought I was helping her, she looked on the outward to need more help than me. But, she introduced herself to me, and told me, “You’re not alone. Jesus loves you. He loves us all. You have a friend in Jesus.” Yes, yes, I agreed. Thinking I’m going to be of help to her. Why did it hit me only now that she was helping me.
This frail, little lady saw me. She saw what I couldn’t see. I can admit to myself, as I am waking up, and seeking to be made whole, there are still broken pieces. There are still hurting pieces. But, there are more pieces that have been healing than those that are broken! I will give credit to the progress, because I have come a long, long way. But only by His Grace.
Today, I wish to laugh and cry, hide and go outside. I am a mix of go and stop. I am grateful for the peace and joy He brings in the midst of my darkest nights and brightest days. Because, if not for the Lord giving me strength to get through this day, and face these emotions, I don’t know where I would be! What a Friend we truly have in Jesus!