Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. ~Washington Irvin
The other night a thought occurred to me, I realized the words I should have/could have/wish I had said… The other night I was reminded of a more recent conversation that I wished I could have done better, differently, or not at all. However, I never have the right words when I have the opportunity to say what I want or need to say. The other night the memories of the past and this present loneliness consumed me. The other night I thought of the past five years, things I wish I had done differently, words I wish I had, and hadn’t, said; places I wish I had never gone… However, I realized that what I lamented reseted solely in memories, and not at all in the person(s). The loneliness that I felt rested solely in my mind. Sometimes, we can be so consumed in our present circumstances that we fail to see the beauty of the life surrounding us. It’s easy to look at what we do not have or what we are lacking, in turn, we lose focus on what we do have. Where I knew my heart had been loosed of the past and I knew I had let go of hurts and pains; I had to question myself, why did these feelings/memories resurface?
I am all about reconnecting with friends from the past. This past week, I can’t quite say if it has been a blessing or a curse… However, I have reconnected with a couple old friends, which is nice! Except, it brings up memories of that past time and emotions tied with that time. A time I longed to forget. Memories I wished to bury. They are never truly gone, are they? Our past experiences shape us, they are part of the reason why we are who we are today. No need to run.
But, where does love go, when it no longer exists between two individuals? Looking back, I begged God for his return, because, “He promised to love me forever!” But, did I even love him? I really thought I did. Where was my vow? I was unfair… I was in love with the memory. I was in love with the idea, in love with the thought, never fully grasping what love was.
I have released myself of the past. I promised myself I would not look back. I do not know where love goes when it no longer exists between two persons. I no longer lament the love lost. I do not know where he is, or what he is doing, nor am I curious anymore (at least I’m honest). I simply wish him the best.
We toss love around so carelessly, not realizing it is so much more than a matter of words, but truly a matter of the heart, a matter of being. As I am learning to truly love again, I wonder if I ever really understood what it was to love at all? To pray for another, as we pray for ourselves – when we are awoken in the middle of the night to intercede on someone’s behalf… This is a love of sorts – I think. Did I ever do this before? I ask myself? Maybe, once upon a time, a long, long time ago… I could never have realized how such simple words, “I’m praying for you,” would hold so much meaning. Maybe because I don’t take prayer lightly… Maybe because I cannot even pray for an enemy without feeling compassion for them. I may not say, “I love you” but my, “I’m praying for you” means all that and so much more!
I’m not looking for love. I’m not looking for “friendship” or anything else people use to cover the hunt for a date. I’ve said in posts past, I’ve loved, been loved, and lost at the game of love… I don’t think I have completely given up on love, but if I never love again, I’m grateful for the experiences I have shared. It truly is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
*Original Photo – taken and edited by my daughter ♥️*