Before you become concerned about my well being, I’ll preface this post by saying, I’m not depressed ♥️
I went to the doctor a couple days ago, a follow up appointment after being fairly sick for quite a while. She decided to go on and couple the visit with my annual check-up. Cool! I won’t have to come back. (I won’t be graphic, you’ll probably understand after reading further) She asked all the usual questions, no big deal, I’m answering honestly, not expecting what is to follow…
“So, no interesting guys around?”
“Uh… Nooo, I’m divorced, you know single.” Is this really relevant to my health? Isn’t abstinence recommended? And single is a category too, last I checked.
She puts her pen down and stares at me. I have no idea what’s coming next. Honestly, I’m a tad uncomfortable.
“No. I feel okay – I mean I feel pretty good.” I don’t even convince myself, my voice is tiny – it was the shock! But, I do feel good! Not depressed!
“You’re depressed, and studies have shown depression is linked with dementia. What are you going to do when the kids leave the house and it’s just you, all alone?”
I wanted to say, “Oh, I have a dog!” But I refrained. Not sure how that would have gone over! She probably was picturing me secluded in my home – add a dog in the picture, I may be worse than the crazy cat lady? Who knows!?
She went on and on. I was almost questioning myself, am I depressed? This sounds awful! True, I often work and go home. Go to church and go home. I am still young… But no! I have dinner/lunch with friends. I get out of the house, not just to “get things done.” Even if I happen to be a homebody sometimes, I love my home! Have you seen my home! Don’t fall for it Jessy! You are not depressed.
Do I have to be depressed because I don’t have a significant other in my life?
After my appointment, I went home, and recounted the story with my kiddos. “Sorry kids, Mom is D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. Looks like we’re having cake and ice cream for dinner.” I said that, but we didn’t have that for dinner, because I am actually not depressed (we had leftovers – is that worse?!) haha!
I am not at all anti-love or anti-relationship in the least. In times past I considered myself a “hopeful romantic.” Today, well, maybe? Romance really isn’t on my mind. Except when someone brings it up. Then, for like 2.4 (minutes, hours, days?) I think.
“Love is a strange thing, you miss it because you like it…” ~Discovery of Love
I was at a client’s home a couple weeks ago, and her brother was there. He began to become emotional. He said, “Man, I think I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. The only thing I miss is real intimacy.” By this point he is teary-eyed, and I am fighting back my own tears! I know that sentiment all too well.
So, a good friend of mine convinced me about two years ago to make a “list” of those things I would look for in a future partner (I may have blogged about it). I went a step further and made a list of those things that would automatically disqualify someone as well… I revisited this list at the beginning of 2018, realizing that I am in a completely different place than I was when I originally made the list, there was no need for the “disqualification list.”
Something recently has occurred to me. Something my godmother has said to me and I have gained an understanding through prayer and studying the word… List or no list, if God has someone for me, or not, it’s all in His hands. My godmother tells me: God is preparing you for your perfect mate and at the same time, He is preparing him for you.
I didn’t believe this at the time. I had signed myself off. But then, maybe?
“What does time matter? It could take three weeks to move a heart. Or it could take three years. It could even take three seconds.” ~Where Stars Fall
I didn’t expect my heart to ever move again. I suppose I had convinced myself that I was just as old as my group of friends, haha! And they are the, “single and bitter” type. Not that I’m bitter, or even have plans of being bitter. They don’t have kids… I do – that’s the difference I think? Who knew there was life in this heart of mine?
Is it “The time it takes to move a heart” or “The distance between two hearts“? Both of these factor into matters of the heart, yes? How could I possibly know? How long did it take my heart to move? What exactly is the distance between two hearts? These answers, I may never know for certain. I have asked myself, does absence make the heart grow fonder, or is it out of sight, out of mind? The only response that echoes back to me is a sure and certain, yes.