“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” Albert Camus
I have no desire to lead. I am really not a good leader at all. In truth, I am worse at following, because I was raised my entire life hearing, “Be a leader, not a follower.” Yet, I find myself “Director of the Children’s Ministry,” when I really just wanted to help out. Does this frighten me? Absolutely! But then, it’s a different place… The vision that the Lord had given, the one that I tried to make fit, is the vision of the Pastor for the Children’s Ministry (hereafter, CM). I should be happy… Yet, I find myself afraid. I know this was the right move. Again, I am reminded it’s not the I but the You in me.
What sparked the fear? Was it that one interaction that reminded of what happened a year ago? Thank God I have a network of friends I can trust over here. (Is this also something I have learned? Trust.) That walk beside me, and help me through challenging times. I never thought my go-to people would be my ex-husband and his wife. (It’s definitely a God thing that brought us together.) Still, I am expected to lead. Okay, if I can do so, quietly, from the back. Please?
I had a conversation the other day, “Your pictures still up on the wall!” No, it isn’t, I laughed, I was there when they took it down. A year ago, at their 18th Anniversary Service, I had been recognized for volunteering. I admit, I did a some stuff behind the scenes, but never for recognition. It was because I had the capacity and the know-how. That same service, I spoke on the impact that Ministry had on my life which was TOUGH… The theme that year was “Why the Doors Should Not Close.” Although I am not there, I still agree, it is a place to be, when life really matters… No one knew at that time, for me, life was happening. Life really mattered. I was dying on the inside, I was sure it showed on my exterior. Joy gone, unable to lift my head. It was the last place I wanted to be, and the one place I had to be.
“I’ll never receive one of those things because everything I do is quiet.” I was informed. Well, that’s a good thing, I replied, It comes with a heavy weight. Saved from saying anything more or listening further – not that he heard me – I made my hasty escape. When people don’t know anything about you, they make any and all assumptions about you. But then, it may not have been about me at all. Is that really an award to be envied? Please, tell me no. Regardless, I won’t stop serving God because people think this or that about me. I mean, isn’t God’s opinion the only opinion of me that matters? (Note to self: remember that.)
I have no idea why I was called to the CM, but I was and I enjoy it. I enjoy teaching, I enjoy interacting, I enjoy planning the activities. We’re going to be starting up Bible Quizzing! There is so much to do, and I am ready to help take it to the next level! And, it’s not just me. Did I mention there’s support. And, CAMP! My kids get to go to camp!
For whatever reason I am here. Whatever reason I am to lead this CM… Well, God knows… I should not be afraid. That’s not from God. Writing this post and thinking of all the wonderful things, I am filled with expectancy and excitement! I have only to remember, it’s not me, but Christ who works within me. The title is scary – but not really, right? As long as I serve as unto God, I don’t need to get hung up on little details. Besides, I’ll pass the tests that come my way. If I made it through the trial that started last year, I know I will continue to make it through…
*Original Photo – Kids Singing “Known” by Tauren Wells (I wasn’t attending services there completely… I think my children were?)