Among the multitude of stars one stares down at me
Among the multitude of people I stare up at that one star
You, one so warm, and me, one so tender
Where, when as what will the two of us… meet again?
I used to stare up at the stars, pointing out a constellation or two. My eyes landing on the perfect star. A star I promised to find again and again. Nowadays my eyes cannot seem to search so far, they land only on the moon. I tell myself, Look up at the stars tonight. Still, I fail and can’t seem to glance so far a distance. What happened to the dreamer inside?
I wonder at times if it’s representative of the hope for which I have let go? The sun, the moon, the stars, the sky… Have I really come to this? Though the sky expands so far and wide in front of me, the shapes and pictures in the clouds, I can no longer see. I can hardly discern the sun from the moon anymore, my days/nights have all become a blur. Is it all because inside, I am still waiting?
George: Well, then you could swallow it, and it’d all dissolve, see? And the moonbeams’d shoot out of your fingers and your toes, and the ends of your hair…
~ It’s A Wonderful Life
How many full moons have passed since that dreadful day? I forgot to count. But, I realize that I miss the stars, as much as I enjoy the moon. I think I should but swallow the moon, then perhaps all those memories would fade-away. If I swallowed the moon, I could look beyond it and see the stars again.
They say time heals all wounds. I have found it to be true. There is only me, holding onto my memories. Trying to capture the moon. Where it all began, where it all ended.
I didn’t know that I was still holding on to him. Secretly hoping for his return. That void in my heart I left it there just for him to fill, guarded it under lock and key. Slowly, I have come back to life, being made aware, I know that he will not return to me. This heart ached again, but, surprisingly, only for a moment. So, I sat and looked at the moon. I asked God to fill the void, because only He can. I asked for comfort and peace, knowing that before me lay the task of letting him go once and for all.
The goodbye that was never said. The explanation that was never given. The apology that was never heard… We didn’t end on an I love you. We didn’t end on an I hate you. I no longer blame myself – I don’t even blame him. I don’t need answers to my questions of why, why, why? With a prayer and a sigh, I finally released him. And in doing so, I freed me. I can see past the moon, I can look at the stars. The sky is so widespread that it fills up my eyes!