One Step, Two Steps

I can’t quite recall, is it: One step forward, two steps back; Or, Two steps forward, one step back? Whatever the phrase, there – right there, that’s where you can find me. Taking those steps, forward and back, or back and forward, just trying to get to where I’m going, and not sure if I’m making any real progress at all.

Today, I spoke with a lady whom is quite special – very near and dear to my heart. It had been a while since I saw her face. A while since we checked on one another. Today – well for the past several days/weeks she had been on my heart. Finally, I overcame my pride, hit that MarcoPolo button and said, Hi! I didn’t expect to chat for as long as we did – it really was like old times. Sometimes it takes going away to grow, to learn, to appreciate… I shared, “Those lessons you taught, those words you shared, they finally make sense! I get them now!” Sometimes a heart just has to be ready and open to receive. What I thought I knew… I didn’t know. I still have so much growing to do!

I’m slammed with homework, of course I’m procrastinating, I said this, I would not do! Yet here I am, so much on my mind… One step forward, two steps back… Or, maybe it’s the reverse?

My godmother said to me, in all her sincerity, “Jessy, I don’t want you to hold onto to this. I want you to forgive and be able to move on.” I have. I’m good. Don’t worry about me. I insisted, time and again, not sure why she kept bringing this up. Sometimes people see in us what we don’t allow ourselves to see. Un-forgiveness carries the most putrid of odors. It is rotten to the core. It taints a person from the inside out. I didn’t even know it. But, oh, she was so right! I was carrying it with me. Hurts I needed to let go, pains I had buried deep. I have heard it said this way, You can’t help anyone when you are bleeding all over them. As a former medic in the Army, I totally get it. (I actually have a story for that, to be shared another time…)

But, I am reminded, no matter what I endured, no matter how much hurt and pain – I’m here. I’m still here. I think about Jesus’ words, as He bled and died, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Those words were not only for those who willed Him to die. Those words were not only for the Soldiers who hung Him on the cross. Those words were for all humanity. He died for all mankind. He died for all of our sins. On the cross, He was the sacrificial lamb, pleading our cause, as He bled and died…

If He can do that for me, I too can forgive. I can forgive and let go. There’s no more hurt, no more shame. Only compassion there. So, I’ll take one step back assess myself, clear out any gunk that may be lodged in me, then I will proceed to take two steps forward and continue on with my journey.

*Original photo taken by my lovely daughter!

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