Independently Vulnerable

I am independent because it’s what I know. Some people say to me, You can depend on me. Why don’t I take them up on that? Or when I tell them something, after the fact, they ask, Why didn’t you call me? I never have a valid response. I am independent because most of my life, I had to be. Being vulnerable – depending on someone else – makes me feel exposed. Very few people see this side of me.

Uncertainty keeps me from getting to know you, because then you would have to get to know me too…

Have you ever had that friend that seemed intent on getting to know you no matter what! There are those friends who love to chat about themselves nonstop. But, have you ever had that friend that took a keen interest in you? And truly tried to get to know you? Like asked the questions that no one asks, and waits for the answer… Even tells you about themselves, subtle things. Once I realized what was happening – I was impressed, shocked, mortified. In the end, I pushed them away. Not because they knew too much, rather because… because… Well, I simply cannot say. Was it because I did not understand the motivation, or because I wanted to get to know them too? But, so many people have taken for purposes all their own, I projected this onto this friend, because of one statement… completely unfounded, unfair, now I know.

As I grow and learn, I recognize that we have no control over the actions or words of others, or even how they treat us. We do have control over ourselves, our reactions. If I truly believe that people are inherently good, why hideaway rather than investigate? Do unto others, right?

As I have forged a newish friendship I have written about a couple times over the past year, I have studied the give and take in the friendship on both sides. It’s almost a test of, Can I trust you with this thing about me? How will you react if I tell you this? When we are received with acceptance, when our trust is not betrayed, our friendship grows.

Relationships of any type begin like this, don’t they? There is an element of vulnerability that must exist. No putting your best foot forward, but being the real, authentic, you. That’s the best you, after all. Wouldn’t you agree?

Sometimes, when I meet someone, have a fleeting thought, or come across SM posts – I find myself thinking, Man, we could totally be friends!

Have you ever wanted to get to know someone? What stopped you or did you do it? I think it’s pride stops me – fear of rejection. Remember when making friends was so easy when we were kids? How did we do that back then? Oh yeah, do you want to play with me? That was easy. It isn’t so easy as adults… Thank God for the friends I do have!

As I make new friends, sometimes I wonder, how did we even become friends, like what was the catalyst? I’m glad that I have the ability to still make friends, even if I consciously don’t know how, haha! And, working on those relationships and building them, takes work.

Sometimes, I tease that my pup and I are in a toxic relationship and I vowed to not have anymore of those. But, what can you do. She doesn’t know any better and I’m the one who loves her.

*Photo by KayBee05 – proof that I’m the reason two pair of glasses have been chewed… Thank you, KayBee05..

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