“Can I speak to you in private, when you get a free moment?”
I had originally teased, “Am I in trouble?” Not taking him seriously. He often wants to “speak to me in private.” It’s usually something pertaining to the kids. With their upcoming one week stay at dad’s and his parents coming into town, I figured it had something to do with this.
“I just wanted to ask your forgiveness and say that I also forgive you…”
For so long, I had needed to hear those words. At least, I thought I did. As it turned out, I only wanted to hear them. By the time I finally heard them, this was not at all the case. They only made me sad. In truth, I hurt, for the one whom was speaking them. For him to need to speak those words, for peace in his own heart, I could only listen. He spoke about his anger. He spoke about our past. He spoke about our marriage. He spoke about the hurt he had caused me, the hurt I had caused him.
I also apologized and told him that I had already forgiven him. I had placed it all in God’s hands and encouraged him to do the same. I shared with him how I pray for him often, as well as his marriage. Knowing that he is a man who holds it all inside, I shared the power and blessings that come along with surrendering to God. It is not easy, but is worth it. “I’m processing,” he says, “My heart, everything inside is locked in.” I tell him God can take it all. We can’t do it on our own, tears falling down my face. “That’s just it. I can’t cry.” To be able to cry before God doesn’t make you any less of a man. I tell (our son) this frequently. “A broken heart and contrite spirit, He will not despise.”
I shared with him, the words I Wish I Had Said… That’s when my tears really began to fall, he choked up a little as well. There is a power to speaking life into someone… Realizing his pain, I encouraged him also to be honest with himself and God. So often, we think that we have to hold it altogether, as if that’s strength. Strength is admitting where we need help. Strength is admitting we cannot do it on our own. Strength is not trying to do it of our own accord, but trusting Him. Strength is letting go. Forgiving ourselves, forgiving others, and walking in that forgiveness. It is not always easy, but it is worth it. When we learn to surrender, forgive, and be obedient to God, our lives change for the better and the change is lasting.
I don’t know what will happen in his life from here. However, I will continue to pray for him and for his marriage. As I have mentioned before and I finally told him, he and his wife are some of my favorite people in this world and I love them! I am cheering them on, wishing them the best.
This conversation I had today, I used to dream of having – of course, it never turned out like it did today… However, this conversation that I had today, I think was timely, because of course there are no mistakes.