You know, I had a conversation with my sister a while back, as she was reading a novel “Not Nice”. I haven’t read it, so I really can’t speak to it.. But, I can speak to what God has been dealing with my heart lately. See, I am nice. Sickeningly so at times. I wear a smile plastered to my face at the most inappropriate times.
I shared with my fellow readers how there was a loss in our family at the beginning of this week. This loss has been accompanied by some intense struggles. One day at work, I was on a video call, doing my best, and failing, to hold it together. I explained to my colleagues before allowing the family onto our call that our family had a loss and I would have my camera off unless I needed it on to speak. They were super supportive and told me to what I needed to take care of myself, they would take care of the meeting.
I was struck by the genuine care and concern on their faces as I attempted to feign a teary smile – for them? For me? I don’t know who I tried to smile for. Yet, their faces didn’t reflect the fake smile I attempted. And it hit me. While I attempted to be this “happy-go-lucky-nice-girl” for whom? I was fooling no one but myself. This “happy-go-lucky-nice-girl” act was for no one’s benefit but my own, and truthfully, I’ve been drowning in it and all I’ve achieved are deepening smile lines and aching facial muscles. Plus, it’s exhausting.
I’m tired of the act. It’s time to remove the veil of the “happy-go-lucky-nice-girl”. The world doesn’t need another “nice girl”. It needs a real girl. An authentic woman and friend. Not someone who will smile in your face and pretend everything is okay, but it needs to see someone who can go through the storm with Jesus and come out on the side stronger than before, because she is standing on Christ the Solid Rock. They need to see a woman throw her hands up in total surrender to Jesus knowing that He will catch her when she falls. They need to see the tears that fall so that when she does smile, they know only God has turned her sorrow into joy!
I don’t want to plaster a fake smile on my face again. I don’t want to play nice ever again. Life’s too short for that any way. God is too great for that anyway! I want the joy of the Lord to truly be my strength. I want “strength and honour to be my clothing; and to rejoice in time to come. I want to open my mouth with wisdom; and in my tongue have the law of kindness.” Proverbs 31:25-26 (paraphrased)
On the Outside Looking In 