There’s something about going through old papers and pictures that just makes me reminiscent…
I thought that I had gone through everything before we moved, however as we work to settle in, there’s a whole new level of going through everything. I’m determined to not hold onto everything to ensure that there is no clutter.
I’m discovering that there is more than shredding old documents and finding a place for everything to live. There are emotions that are tied with many of the documents. As the memories flood my mind, I see how far God has brought me, how stunted I was – without realizing it.
Along with physically letting go of papers and old items, I am learning to let go spiritually. This feels, to me, like a whole new level of letting go.
I don’t think I ever realized how much holding onto to past hurts, guilt, and shame impacts who we are today. Sometimes things are done and said to us that we have no control over. Of course, on the outside looking in, we can easily say it wasn’t your fault. Forgive and move on. However, when you’re the one that thing was done or said to, it’s not always as easy.
I’m the type to bury it down and ignore it. Let me tell you, nothing stays buried for long. It can’t. I’m actually grateful for this.
As the thoughts and memories of those defining moments flood my mind, I’m learning to put into practice what I tell others, what the Word of God says. This has meant for me loving my enemies, praying for them, forgiving the apologies that never came, forgiving myself. It has meant casting all of my cares on Christ, and not only casting them, but believing without the shadow of a doubt that He cares for me. It’s believing that He is a soft place to land, because He catches me when I fall, have fallen.
There is beauty amidst the tears that I have shed. Beauty, because I can stand here today and testify that despite it all, I’m still here. Those defining moments in my earlier life that threatened to take me out didn’t. God has held me up and walked with me every step of the way.
I didn’t always respond with grace, love, forgiveness. I didn’t always know that it was for me. Still, He never left. I can testify that God never leaves our side. He’s faithful, even when we are not. He sees every tear, knows every thought, and loves us unconditionally.
I am moved today as I look back and see His mercy. They say what doesn’t kill you males you stronger. What didn’t kill me made me more loving, forgiving, compassionate. And I’m thankful.
*Original photo
On the Outside Looking In 