Lying to Myself

I once saw, and maybe even posted, a meme that said something akin to: “I don’t make the same mistake twice. I make it five times, just to be sure.” (I probably butchered it, but you get the gist, right?)

Hello, my name is Jessy and I am a liar.

Yeah, somehow that didn’t make me feel better… Perhaps I should explain.

Truth: I often make the same mistake.

Lie: It isn’t intentional. You see, I am so often lying to myself, that I believe the lie, and fall into the same trap, time after time.

What is that? Pride? Vanity?

This morning as I woke up, I had in my heart to read Ecclesiastes 1 & 2. Again? Okay!

No. Again, okay? I remember, over the summer reading the same two chapters for days – just being stuck there. Receiving the understanding on the surface, not going any deeper than a surface level. I suppose I wasn’t ready. What made me ready today?

Today, however, as I read the chapters, I took a good long look at myself in the mirror. “Vanity of vanities…” as the writer wrote. I never thought myself a vain person. However, I set myself to acquire knowledge, a home, this and that… Whether I die a fool or a scholar, we all suffer the same fate. I’m fooling myself to think that this fulfills me. I know that it doesn’t.

My mind began to shift, reflect on the past. I asked myself, am I living? God intended for us to have joy in this life, can I say that I have joy? For once in my life, I didn’t lie. I have not been living the life He intended for me to live. This past year has been a year of growth, transition and transformation in my life, yet I see I still have so much more to do.

I made a vow, this morning to celebrate my birthday! I have not celebrated my birthday since I turned 12! I had a sleepover. Birthdays were stressful growing up. I go all out for my kids – I love birthdays, just not my own… But, this coming year, Lord willing, I am going to celebrate my birthday! I owe it to me. I owe it to my kids.

I feel like I am finally waking up out of a dream. I had my life on hold. For what? How to put this in words? It’s not that I was waiting, I would never go back. It’s more of a feeling of “what if it was me?” Or “how dangerous to try again” for fear of the end. So, I lie to myself. I have even lied to others. I’m not interested in dating – when I really mean “I’m scared.” What scares me the most is making a huge mistake – again.

When I met my first husband, I just knew he was the one for me. I’m learning now, there is a difference between love and lust. If we ask God for something/someone so earnestly sometimes we get just what we wanted. I suppose that’s where the phrase comes in: Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. I had been warned. Not once. Not twice. Six times. All different people. I ignored every warning. I knew what I wanted. I ignored all the red flags. I have no regrets, because that would mean regretting my children. I don’t even regret the second. It propelled me closer to God. But the lies I told myself: we were meant to be. Knowing that we weren’t going to make it at all. Hoping, praying we would survive.

Today, I make a pledge to myself. To stop lying to myself. To be better to me. I think I deserve that much, don’t you?

*Self portrait I made, lol. I tried to do a smile, failed..*

4 comments

  1. I just recently really allowed myself to celebrate my birthday, without getting all moody and broody. We have to take back our celebrations!

    But you know that you are really growing and becoming who Christ is calling you to be when you can be honest with yourself, even when it doesn’t feel good. And praise God for your willingness to take His correction and strive to be better, with Him leading you! We will never reach perfection on this side of life, but I am grateful that every day He draws us closer and closer when we let Him. It is all working together for your good, because you love God and are the called according to His purpose!

    Liked by 1 person

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