Lying to Myself

I once saw, and maybe even posted, a meme that said something akin to: “I don’t make the same mistake twice. I make it five times, just to be sure.” (I probably butchered it, but you get the gist, right?)

Hello, my name is Jessy and I am a liar.

Yeah, somehow that didn’t make me feel better… Perhaps I should explain.

Truth: I often make the same mistake.

Lie: It isn’t intentional. You see, I am so often lying to myself, that I believe the lie, and fall into the same trap, time after time.

What is that? Pride? Vanity?

This morning as I woke up, I had in my heart to read Ecclesiastes 1 & 2. Again? Okay!

No. Again, okay? I remember, over the summer reading the same two chapters for days – just being stuck there. Receiving the understanding on the surface, not going any deeper than a surface level. I suppose I wasn’t ready. What made me ready today?

Today, however, as I read the chapters, I took a good long look at myself in the mirror. “Vanity of vanities…” as the writer wrote. I never thought myself a vain person. However, I set myself to acquire knowledge, a home, this and that… Whether I die a fool or a scholar, we all suffer the same fate. I’m fooling myself to think that this fulfills me. I know that it doesn’t.

My mind began to shift, reflect on the past. I asked myself, am I living? God intended for us to have joy in this life, can I say that I have joy? For once in my life, I didn’t lie. I have not been living the life He intended for me to live. This past year has been a year of growth, transition and transformation in my life, yet I see I still have so much more to learn and so much more growing to do.

I made a vow, this morning to celebrate my birthday! I have not celebrated my birthday since I turned 16! I had a sleepover. Birthdays were stressful growing up. I go all out for my kids – I love birthdays, just not my own… But, this coming year, Lord willing, I am going to celebrate my birthday! I owe it to me. I owe it to my kids.

I feel like I am finally waking up out of a dream. I had my life on hold. For what? How to put this in words? It’s not that I was waiting, I would never go back. It’s more of a feeling of “what if it was me?” Or “how dangerous to try again” for fear of the end. So, I lie to myself. I have even lied to others. I’m not interested in dating – when I really mean “I’m scared.” What scares me the most is making a huge mistake – again.

When I met my first husband, I just knew he was the one for me. I’m learning now, there is a difference between love and lust. If we ask God for something/someone so earnestly sometimes we get just what we wanted. I suppose that’s where the phrase comes in: Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. I had been warned. Not once. Not twice. Six times. All different people. I ignored every warning. I knew what I wanted. I ignored all the red flags. I have no regrets, because that would mean regretting my children. I don’t even regret the second. It propelled me closer to God. But the lies I told myself: we were meant to be. Knowing that we weren’t going to make it at all. Hoping, praying we would survive.

Today, I make a pledge to myself. To stop lying to myself. To be better to me. I think I deserve that much, don’t you?

*Self portrait I made, lol. I tried to do a smile, failed..*