You Never Know…

Grief: When you try to go through your day as though everything is fine – it stops you in your tracks, reminding you that you are human, you are here, and you feel. My goodness, do you FEEL!

This is my current definition of grief because, this is how I feel at the current moment. There has been so much death over the past few months, I didn’t expect it to touch me – at least, not hit so close to home. I feel this one. The grief, in any case.

I will apologize in advance, this post may be disjointed, as my thoughts are discombobulated. I cannot seem to form a coherent thought. Which is not good, I still have work to complete. For my job. I left early, to work from home, not a word to a single soul. I needed to get out of there, lest anyone see the tears.

A life gone too soon. My own parents on my mind. They are not holding up so well. How do I remain strong for them when inside I don’t know what to think? I don’t know what to say? Hasn’t this always been our relationship, roles reversed, who is the parent, who is the child?

My heart aches for them in their sorrow. I wish I could be there for them. Still, part of me, selfishly needs them to pull it together, just a little bit, I cannot bear to see this. True, we never know when it is our time.

He is gone. Just like that. He is gone. Not yet 55. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem real. I know it’s real. As I keep reminding my mother.

Checking in with the relatives – hurt, this was unexpected, disbelief. I don’t know what to say. Will you be at the funeral? I will.

I will? I should. I must. He was family. Can I handle it? I should. I must.

It means going home. I hate going home. But, it’s time to go home. I know it’s time. It’s past time to go home. To see the faces I longed to forget, a time I wanted to put behind me. I have to face the past, the pain. Say hello, say goodbye, say I forgive you, say I love you, and just lay it all down.

Grief has gripped me to my core. I can’t see anything else. It has interrupted my thoughts. Interrupted my life for the moment. It’s as though I cannot feel yet it is all that I feel, this grief.

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