Sometimes in life it takes the unexpected to thrust us into the direction we were supposed to be headed all along. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to open our eyes to the beauty that is the life with which God has blessed us. I don’t know why things happen this way, but they just do. Slowly, surely, I am learning not to lean to my own understandings, to trust God wholly, and that in this life, nothing happens by chance – it is all a part of His master plan.
I am guilty of taking so much for granted. Lessons taught organically, lessons taught by my parents. Time spent with loved ones. Time. I always think there is more time – this simply is not so. Time and chance happen to us all. Time waits for no man. Time is but a vapor. Time. Time. There is never enough time… And, what of those lessons? Can I recall the lessons taught to me when I was small? Dare I remember – should I even try? When my parents were young, their thinking skewed we were all just trying to survive… But then, even those hold lessons to be learned. I have only to look back now, not as a little girl, but a parent.
This past weekend I had both parents, both sets of godparents, save the one who is the reason for us all to have gathered in one place. It still doesn’t seem real. Then, all of the faces. So many faces. I admit, to go back home, I was afraid. But, I was welcomed with open arms, with love, hugs, tears. My apprehension eased, I too, welcomed and returned the love. So many faces, so many faces. Some I had forgotten. How could I forget? Years of watching me grow, my years of watching you as I grew… The faces… The faces… Aged, worn. Again I am reminded, time waits for no man.
Resting in the Lord as my comfort and strength – and usually this is more than enough. And for the most part, it was! But, in my grief, in that quiet time. Feeling overwhelmed, realizing, I had nowhere to turn. Everyone had someone and I had… Well, I turned to the Lord. But, in my grief, for the first time, in such a long time, I wished to have someone to call – someone who was waiting for me after to make sure I was okay… My person. I take care of everyone else, and really, I don’t mind, but just for that day – just for this time, I wished there was someone to look after me. (I feel foolish for admitting this, and this was not my intention for the direction of this post.) My ex- husband, father of my children, who knew him also, later checked on me, the wife, my parents… For that, I am grateful, and saddened. He is filling a role that is not his to fill. Husband to another woman, I cannot depend on him. I am usually pretty good about maintaining boundaries. That day, I fear, I allowed myself to depend on him. This tragedy, each time tragedy strikes, isn’t he there? Why does he do that? Why do I let him?
In any case, as I look back, I am grateful to have a friend in my ex-husband. Not everyone can say that – or has such a relationship. I am grateful for the friendship I have with his wife. There are many people that surround me, but very few are true friends. You know, the kind to see you at your highest or lowest and love you anyway! The kind to have no hidden agenda, not want anything from you, just to be your friend – they are there for you and you are there for them… Their love/ friendship isn’t based on what you do for them or give them, it just is! Yeah… Those relationships are far and few, but treasured!
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On the Outside Looking In 