Who am I that the King of all Creation would deem me worthy enough to notice me? In the vastness of the great universe, in the wondrousness of the handiwork of His great hands, He has seen me! “Zaccheus, Zaccheus. Come down from the sychamore tree for tonight I shall dine with thee.” Is this not me? An insignificant character, trying to see Jesus, chosen from the crowd? Why then, the struggle with who I am?
Thoughts of the past creep in… Most I can shake, or at least pray away… But there’s the one I cannot seem to face down. There’s the one that in my heart resonates an echo of a deep seeded hurt, a truth all my own, one not so easily defeated. Just like that! I feel the chains when before I was free. Lost in my own thoughts, lost in my suffering. Fighting to break out. Knowing I must let go. Not knowing how to be free.
When the pattern that has existed tells me one thing, how can I trust blindly? I suppose that is what we call faith. To be made whole – is this not the prayer of the year? But to face this one area head-on, I am hesitant to say, I’ll pass. Which desire is greater: To be made whole or To escape facing the inner voice that tells me who I am – it contradicts everything I have come to know myself to be in Christ. I know, or thought I knew, who I am, yet facing this obstacle, is it fully necessary? To be made whole, yes.
But, what if it hurts? Scratch that – it already hurts! Growing pains. What if it becomes too much? He won’t place more on you than you can bear. What if I can’t do it? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. What if I fail? Then you will try again. For though the righteous falls seven times, they rise again.
I will face this head-on. Through the hurt and the pain, I will sort this all out, not on my own – there is One greater on my side! “Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts.”
On the Outside Looking In 