“As it has been said: Love and a cough cannot be concealed. Even a small cough. Even a small love.” ― Anne Sexton
I haven’t figured out if I love or dislike Facebook Memories. I posted the above quote, on this day, 6 years ago. I have to wonder, What was I thinking? My marriage was falling apart, according to my journal, I was barely even existing over in Afghanistan – save for reading my wonderfully, talented, depressive, suicidal poets and going on missions. But, no matter what the trial of the time, somewhere love remained, right?
Have you ever been in a meeting or conference, so quiet, you can practically hear your heartbeat? Why is it in those moments, your body chooses to have a cough attack?! Can anyone relate? No, you don’t cough when it’s noisy and everyone is speaking and laughing. You cough when it’s silent. And everyone stares, because they know it was you! It doesn’t matter that you tried to mask it with a clearing of the throat, because everyone heard you, and sometimes, that makes it worse!
Love, amor, sarang… I suppose you can’t hide that either. Why would you want to hide love? If you must hide it, is it really love? Perhaps I am a bit naive… Maybe it is because the love I feel for others does not compel me to hide my feelings. Perhaps if I had a crush? But that’s not love… *Sigh* What do I know?
I read a quote somewhere that said something like: “There are two types of people who won’t make eye contact with you: those trying to cover a lie and those trying to cover a love.” I have thought about this, studied people in my own life – studied myself and conversations… I don’t buy into the quote completely. I know individuals that are stellar at looking at you square in the eye and deceiving you… However, when it comes to “covering a love…” Well, just watch any youth male/female pair with interest in one another… The eye contact they make may be accidental, however it is quickly broken. If they dare peer into one another’s eyes – well, there’s an intensity there. Even I remember this feeling.
I often wonder if I have experienced so much loss in my lifetime that I will have only the memories of love, sarang, amor? Not that I feel as though I am missing out on anything… An elder gentleman told me story about a fig tree in his yard… This tree was struck by lightening a year ago and it pained it him to know that the tree had died. (He had always grown up with fig trees and likes the taste.) In any case, accepting the fate of the tree, he tried to dig up the tree by the roots, unsuccessfully. So, he cut it really low and poisoned what remained. Imagine his surprise, when the tree began to sprout this season! His lesson to me: We cannot discount miracles. What appears dead and hopeless – God can make the impossible, possible. Maybe I will love again?
I am not looking for a love, but I have also stopped discounting it. Previously, if someone mentioned love, sarang, amor – I was the first to say, “No way, not me!” Now, I just smile and say, (when I remember) “If it’s God’s will.” But, honestly, old habits die hard, haha! I don’t always make eye contact with men… Not because I’m hiding anything… I actually tend to stay away from them… It’s safer that way! I do my best to keep my heart and mind focused on the Lord and not stir up any emotions towards any man, especially too soon, not even a little love.